Do you lack confidence in handling disrespectful or sinful behavior by your husband (or boyfriend)? If so, there are some common reasons. Perhaps you avoid conflict because you grew up in a home filled with rage and verbal abuse. Maybe you’re so insecure about your own worth that you can’t stand up for yourself if your husband is treating your poorly. However, you need to recognize this truth. If you remain insecure and scared of confrontation, it’s likely nothing will ever change in your marriage. You’ll keep getting what you’re getting right now.
There is a solution. First, ask God to give you courage to confront any sinful behavior in your marriage. He will be glad to answer that prayer! Throughout the Bible, God continually tells his people to be strong and courageous. In fact in Joshua 1:9, God says “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Helpful hint: When I need courage, I ask God’s Holy Spirit to be the one who actually does the confrontation. I ask Him to simply use me as his mouthpiece.
If insecurity is the issue for you, then ask God to reveal your true worth and identity in His eyes. Meditating on what God says in Zephaniah 3:17 is a good place to start. He says, “The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing.” In addition, take a moment to close your eyes and ask God to speak one word into your mind about how He views you. You will likely be amazed at the loving, encouraging word He has for you. You may hear the word “beautiful” or “chosen” or “adorable” or “strong”….
Many women get so discouraged about the lack of emotional connection with their husbands. Wives desperately desire their husbands to open up and share their deepest thoughts and feelings, but often it just doesn’t happen. Well, one of the things I’ve learned is that most men will do almost anything to avoid looking weak or being vulnerable to criticism. So, they don’t share their hearts. They don’t want to risk your scoffing or criticism. They’re like a turtle that tucks its head inside a protective shell.
But there is a way to prompt your husband to take the risk of sharing his heart with you. You need to be a safe place for him to share his heart! What do I mean by that? Well, I’ll tell you what it looks like if you’re NOT a safe place. Do you roll your eyes at his ideas? Do you explain why he’s wrong when he shares his thoughts, beliefs, or ideas? Do you criticize him or complain all the time? Those kinds of words and actions don’t exactly make him feel safe in terms of opening up his heart at the deepest level!
God instructs wives in Ephesians 5:33 “the wife must respect her husband.”, and if you consistently show that respect…day after day…and month after month….your husband may start feeling it’s safe to risk opening up his heart to you. Starting today, try looking for ways to encourage your husband. Listen attentively to what he talks about. Ask gentle (non-snarky) questions to dig a little deeper into his thoughts and dreams. Affirm him in any way you can. You might find that he will enjoy talking to you a whole lot more! And that turtle just might poke his head out from underneath the shell.
Virtually every woman wrestles with the persistent and often debilitating problem called insecurity. It can start so early in life as a 5 or 6 year old girl hears the neighbor girl described as beautiful, while nothing at all is said about her. It can develop when other kids easily bring home straight A’s in middle school, but you struggle to maintain a B average. It can suck the life out of you when no one asks you to the sophomore dance or senior prom, and you start telling yourself that you’re ugly and no one wants you.
What I’ve learned over the years is that the enemy is often the one whispering discouragement and ugly lies into our minds and we end up quietly repeating those lies over and over again until we sink into a pit of despair! Enough of that!
We can begin to defeat the demon of insecurity when we start coaching our souls with the truth. The truth is found in the Bible and what God says about us. Did you know in Romans 9:25, God says “Her who was not beloved, I will call beloved”? Wow! That rocks my boat! How about you? God says you are his beloved. That word is a healing balm to my wounded heart. That word “beloved” means God cherishes me and dearly loves me. Yes!! I needed to hear that.
God also tells us in Hebrews 13:5 that “I will never leave you nor forsake you”. That means that no matter what crazy or oppressive circumstance I’m in, God will never leave my side. He is with me through all struggles and trials. Yes! I needed to hear that too!
Don’t listen to the voice of the enemy, and for heaven’s sake, don’t repeat his lies! Start coaching your soul with truth from God’s Word. That’s when you’ll triumph over the devil’s plans to oppress you and begin to truly flourish as a woman of confidence!
I was reflecting recently about how many affairs happen between people who work closely together. The boss has an affair with his long-time female assistant. The female newscaster has an affair with the male newscaster who works in the same studio every day. The pastor has an affair with his long-time secretary. I realized something profound. These people ended up having an affair because a super strong emotional bond was created as they worked together as a team over many years.
There is great bonding power when a man and woman work side by side as a team toward a common goal. As they fight together through challenges and adversity, they bond. As they work side-by-side over many years, they develop a history of shared experiences and memories that only they know about…and that creates a special bond. The power of team is highlighted in the well-known verse in Ecclesiastes Chapter 4: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
Thought for you: How can you take this knowledge of the “power of team” and use it to foster an even deeper bond between you and your husband? Can you intentionally begin working together on some common projects or goals? Think about it…because the “power of team” can create a super strong glue for your marriage.
Most women are plagued by insecurity. As a result of our insecurity, we end up putting up with rude or abusive behavior from others. Our insecurity leads up to covet what other women have. Our insecurity prompts us to put other people down so we look better in comparison. When we are drowning in insecurity, we tend to expect a man to be the “answer”. We seek and catch a husband and then expect him to make us feel better about ourselves by constantly telling us that we’re beautiful, desirable, smart, funny, intelligent, etc. However, husbands are imperfect themselves, and something could happen to take them away from you! Therefore, a husband can’t be a reliable source of security for you.
I believe we would benefit by frequently meditating on 3 particular Bible verses. They are great reminders of how God sees us and who He is to us. The first one is a reminder that He loves us and even delights in us! This verse portrays the picture of a loving father tenderly cradling his daughter in his arms. Here is the verse. Zephaniah 3:17 “The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing.” Close your eyes and picture God smiling at you as he holds you. Hear him whispering those words to you. Ah. So good.
The second verse reveals that God is our loving father, so even if your own parents have let you down, God will remain faithful! Psalm 27:10 Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. God will never leave you! This makes me feel so much more secure. And the third verse reveals God as our husband and protector. Isaiah 54:5 For your Maker is your husband— the Lord Almighty is his name. Wow! The maker of heaven and earth, the commander of heaven’s army of angels is your husband. Relax. He will take care of you. Yes!
You know the saying “If mom’s not happy, nobody’s happy”? It’s so true! So if you’ve noticed your kids have been acting up a lot and/or your husband is grouchy, one possible reason is because YOU are not peaceful. Your mood and your stress are contagious.
Ask God to reveal to you what things may be causing a foul mood or extra stress in your life, and then ask Him to show you if there are things you can do to improve the situation. Is there something stressful in your life that you should eliminate? Do you need to ask God to help you forgive someone instead of holding onto bitterness and resentment?
Do whatever it takes to regain a peaceful and gentle spirit. God instructs wives to have such a demeanor in 1 Peter 3:3-4 where He says, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” Let’s become beautiful to our husbands and children by cultivating that gentle and quiet spirit. You may have to make some changes in your schedule, but it will be worth it!
We all would like to feel more emotional intimacy and connection with our husbands, but often we end up drifting apart as the years of marriage pass by. This is especially true when children come on the scene. You get super busy and absorbed with the kids and your husband feels unimportant, unvalued, and un-needed.
However, there is one simple step you can take to begin changing that dynamic. Start asking your husband for his opinion! Ask him his thoughts on the right number of activities for the kids. Ask him his thoughts on how to best arrange the living room furniture. Ask his opinion on what is most important to him in terms of cleaning and tidying the house. (You might be surprised that most men would prefer you focus on keeping the home tidy rather than clean).
By asking your husband for his opinion, you’re communicating that he matters. You’re communicating that he is a needed and valued team member. You’re communicating that he is respected by you! He needs that respect. He’s wired to crave your respect. That’s why God gave a clear instruction to wives in Ephesians 5:33. It simply says “The wife must respect her husband.” So, start respecting your husband by asking his opinion and truly considering his thoughts and desires. You will find that he likes being around you more, and you will develop a powerful sense of “team” in your marriage.
Wouldn’t it be great if you and I could stop spending energy trying to hide all our flaws, fears, and failures? Most of us are in “hiding”. You’re afraid that if anyone, including your husband, was to discover your flaws, they wouldn’t love you anymore. Satan has convinced us that we need to hide who we really are. He whispers into your ear that your husband will look at you with disgust if he were to discover the real you. Satan tells you your husband might even leave you.
Satan is a liar. I know from experience that the opposite is true! When my husband revealed all of his flaws (and I mean ALL) on our first date, even though I was shocked by his transparency, I found it completely refreshing and heart-warming. It made me feel like I could trust him to be honest in the future…that he wouldn’t hide stuff from me. We gained a kind of deep intimacy on that first date that some couples never experience in decades of marriage! How wise to live out Proverbs 28:13 in your marriage, which says “Whoever conceals his sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”
So, my challenge to you is to take a baby step forward in being “real” with your husband. Tell him that you’d like to be able to share with him a deep fear or failure from your past. Tell him that you need to be able to trust him to handle this revelation with tender care. I believe you may discover a rich new level of intimacy with your man. Also, by you going first, he may feel more comfortable revealing more of his true self to you in return!
Many Christians are familiar with the verses in Matthew 22:37-38 where Jesus is asked about the greatest commandment. Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.
Well, I’ve been asked lately about how to develop this actual love for God. You see, it’s very difficult to truly love someone you’ve never experienced. You and I must experience the Lord’s power and love for ourselves in order to truly fall in love with Him. Otherwise, we have head knowledge from the Bible, but no heart knowledge!
Looking back at my own journey with Christ, I realized that I’ve grown to truly love Him as I earnestly sought His help through prayer and then saw Him answer those prayers in loving and powerful ways. I experienced God!
So I urge you to begin seeking the Lord with your whole heart. Come to Him with your deepest needs, but make sure you’ve done your best to obey Him first. After all, God says in James 5:16 that the “prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective”. So, in other words, God powerfully responds to the person who truly seeks to obey His commands and follow His promptings. After you’ve done all you can do to obey the Lord, pray earnestly for His help. When He shows up, take notice! God just connected with you and allowed you to experience His love, power and help! Now, you have heart knowledge of the Lord!
I’m a fairly confident, secure woman….most of the time. But there are still moments where that awful insecurity shows up. How about you? For me, it often relates to the way I look. I compare myself to other women and fall way short. Sometimes, I’m insecure in terms of whether friends or even relatives really like me. Other times, I get down on myself about whether anything I do really matters. Ugh. I hate feeling so insecure!
So, how do we become more secure? Well, for me, it means turning to God for my “value”. I need to remember the only audience that really matters is an audience of one. God is the one with whom I will spend eternity. He is the one who created me to be in relationship with Him. He is really the only one I need to please, and what he says about me is really all that matters.
Meditate on these Scriptures and if you’re anything like me, you will feel a warm blanket of security envelop you.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you; He will quiet you with his love; He will rejoice over you with singing.