deal with

Are you frustrated with husband?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

If you’ve been married for more than a few months, you’ve likely experienced frustration with your husband on occasion.  Sometimes the frustrations are over little annoying habits.  Other times, your frustration may mount over bigger behavior issues, such as a tendency to spend money wildly or be too controlling or drink too much alcohol. 

There are definitely times when God may prompt you to have a serious talk with your husband about destructive behaviors.  However, I’ve learned that sometimes, God wants me to simply consider why my husband is acting the way he is.  In other words, God wants me to strive to be compassionate and understanding.  People always have a reason for why they behave the way they do.  When I pause for a moment to ask the Holy Spirit to give me insight, I’ve frequently sensed the Holy Spirit showing me an underlying reason, such as insecurity, or a need to be respected, or a need for comfort after a hard day.  When that happens, I immediately find myself more compassionate and less frustrated! 

God instructs us in 1 Peter 3:8 Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.  So, the next time your husband does something really frustrating, pause and ask God if you are to say something and maybe even establish a boundary on destructive behavior, but also be sure and ask God to give you compassion and understanding as to why your husband is acting that way.  Compassion trumps judgment every time!  Or as the Bible puts it in James 2:13 Mercy triumphs over judgment.

Dealing with a controlling husband

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Many women struggle with following the leadership of their husbands because their men seem to be controlling, manipulative, or inconsiderate.  When is it proper to submit to such “leadership” and when is it appropriate to respectfully draw a boundary?

Well, according to the Bible, a godly husband will love his wife in a selfless way (Ephesians 5:25) and will treat his wife with consideration and respect (1 Peter 3:7).   These verses give us a pretty clear picture of what a godly husband looks like.  As a result, it seems pretty clear that a controlling husband, one who bullies or intimidates his wife and children, is NOT behaving in the way that God intended.

I believe a wife can respectfully confront a husband who is trying to control, intimidate, bully, or manipulate her.  She may need to lovingly, but firmly, establish boundaries on what she will tolerate. This might mean simply walking away when he begins to start bullying or controlling.  If he continues to follow you, it could mean even leaving the home for awhile. I would add that it would be very wise to consult with other godly women, a pastor, or a counselor before moving forward in establishing boundaries.  It’s always best to make sure that you are evaluating the situation clearly.

7 words for when people hurt you

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

We’re all going to be hurt by others during the course of our lives, sometimes over and over again!  The question is not “How do I avoid being hurt by others”, because you can’t control other people.  The real question to ask is, “How can I heal and move on with hope, peace and joy?”  Over many years of helping women, and after recovering from numerous heartbreaking offenses myself, I’ve come to realize that seven words are key.

The first 3 words are: That was wrong.  You need to be able to tell your story to a compassionate listener who then validates the wound by saying those precious words, “That was wrong”.  Something very healing happens the moment someone else listens to your story, shows empathy for the pain you suffered, and then validates that the person who wounded you was wrong to do so.  This is Biblical.   1 Peter 3:8  “Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.”  You need to hear those words, “That was wrong.”  So, ask God to lead you to that person who can be a compassionate listener to your story.

However, after you’ve told your story to that compassionate listener, and after a short time of grieving your pain with the Lord, you then need to move on to the other 4 words:  Pivot from your pain.  Far too many people get stuck in their pain and subconsciously develop a victim identity.  This is NOT God’s plan for you!  God doesn’t intend for you to be sidelined with grief, mired down in hopelessness, or burdened with a victim mindset.  He actually instructs you to forget the past and turn forward with hopeful anticipation!  Isaiah 43:18 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 19 See, I am doing a new thing!” 

So, after receiving empathy from that compassionate listener, stubbornly pivot from the pain and look forward.  Ask God to show you the purposes He has for you this day, purposes that will bring you joy and peace.  God has good plans for you!  Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

How to confront husband re: behavior

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

In an ideal world, a wife would never have to confront her husband about some kind of disrespectful, destructive, or just plain immoral behavior.  However, we live in a fallen world, and both men and women can easily stray into sinful choices that hurt the people they love.

If you are a wife who is ready to confront your husband over some kind of wrong behavior, here’s what not to do!   Don’t treat him like he’s the enemy.  Don’t give him that look says “you disgust me”.  Don’t scold him like he’s a 3 year-old child.  Don’t roll your eyes.

Instead, as you’re bringing up the issue that is causing you distress, let your husband know that you are for him and your marriage.  A man will shut down if he feels his wife is against him.  A man will tune his wife out if she is disrespectful.  The Bible says “the wife must respect her husband” in Ephesians 5:33, and this is critical when a wife addresses issues of concern with her husband.  Let your man know that you love him and want to work with him as his partner to overcome the challenge.  Speak gently and encourage him by reminding him of his good qualities.  If he knows you are truly for him, he will be much more apt to listen to what you’re saying instead of shutting you out or flying into a rage. 

Here are two more tips.  1) To help make sure he doesn’t get super defensive, start out by asking this gentle question: “Help me understand why….”  When you ask him that instead of starting out with strong accusations, he will be much more likely to talk calmly with you!  2) Start out the conversation by affirming the good in him.  You might begin this way: “I know you love me and I know you would never intentionally hurt me, but….”

Are you disappearing in your relationship?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I often talk and write about how wives were created to be their husband’s helper, and while that’s true, I feel it’s necessary to make a clarification.  Yes, a wife should help her husband by showing him respect, allowing him to lead the family, and assisting him as he seeks to follow God’s promptings in his life.  However, that doesn’t mean a wife should give up her own individual identity in the process.

Submitting to your husband’s leadership does not mean that you become a doormat which has no value.  Helping your husband does not mean you sacrifice doing the things that bring you great joy.  Respecting your husband doesn’t mean he’s always right and you’re always wrong.  If you go too far in that direction, you will become an empty shell.  It’s as if your heart doesn’t matter.   God doesn’t intend that for you.  In fact, He says in Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.”

Spend some time in prayer with God and ask Him to reveal if there are any areas of your life where you have lost your true identity.  Have you stopped doing some things that bring you fully alive?  Is it time to sit down with your husband and talk about how you can both live in a way that brings joy and fulfillment?  Don’t allow yourself to disappear in the relationship.

Handling irritation with your husband!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Are there some little things your husband does that drive you nuts?  You’re not alone!  I was talking about conflict resolution with a group of wives recently and we started sharing some of the little things our husbands do that irritate us.  We laughed and laughed because some of the things that were really getting under our skin are actually just plain funny when you pause to think about them.  One wife shared her frustration with dirty socks taken off and left at the front door.  Another wife shared her irritation with her husband about his habit of folding sopping wet towels instead of hanging them to dry. 

As we vented our frustration, two things became clear.  First, none of these annoying little things actually matter!  They are not sinful behaviors at all. They’re just irritating (and possibly a little weird. Lol). Secondly, if we were to continue complaining about these things to our husbands, they would likely view that as nagging, which is pretty unattractive to most husbands!  Proverbs 21:19 puts it this way, “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.”  Ouch!

Maybe it’s time for you to choose to chuckle about some of the frustrating and irritating little things your husband does instead of complaining and criticizing.  Both you and your husband will probably be happier!

Handling disrespect by your husband

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I keep bumping into beautiful, intelligent women who, for some bizarre reason, allow their husband or boyfriend to treat them horribly.  One gorgeous young woman had her boyfriend spit in her face, and yet she still stayed with him!  What’s up with that?  Do women no longer have any dignity and self-respect?

A wife’s dignity is actually a quality that is highly valued in the Bible.  When describing the wife of “noble character” in Proverbs 31, the Bible says in verse 25 “she is clothed with strength and dignity“.  So, what does the word “dignity” really mean?  The dictionary defines dignity as displaying poise and self-respect.  In other words, a woman of dignity respects herself enough to refuse to be treated disrespectfully!

Don’t believe the lies of the enemy.  Don’t believe that you need to tolerate disrespectful treatment, verbal abuse, or emotional abuse by your man.  That’s a lie!  A dignified woman doesn’t tolerate that.  She confidently, but lovingly, puts boundaries in place and refuses to allow herself to be treated in a dishonoring manner.  A confident woman of dignity trusts God to take care of her even if she has to take drastic steps to protect herself such as breaking up with a disrespectful boyfriend or separating from an abusive husband.  Be courageous. Choose to carry yourself with dignity and self-respect. 

Don’t give the devil this foothold!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

The Bible says in Ephesians 4:26 – 27, “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

Well, over the years of my marriage to late husband Raul, I didn’t always obey that instruction, and my disobedience was almost disastrous!  One occasion comes to mind as a good example.  My husband had acted in a way that really bothered me.  I was steaming for hours and couldn’t even bring myself to talk to him about it because I feared we’d get embroiled in a huge conflict.  So, I went to bed early, by myself.  I went to bed by myself, wrapped in a blanket of resentment, bitterness, and ugly thoughts about my husband.  As I lay there steaming, that resentment started morphing into thoughts such as “I’d be better off without him” and “He’s such a jerk. I’m going to be cold as ice toward him from now on.”

I am so thankful the Holy Spirit finally broke through and prompted me to get out of bed and go speak with my husband.  I sensed that I was giving the devil a “foothold” in my marriage through me stuffing the issue and letting resentment grow.  So, I went and found my husband in the living room, knelt by his side as he was sitting on the couch and told him that I truly do see so many good qualities in him.  I also told him why his behavior had bothered me. 

I know you’re thinking he agreed with my assessment, but he didn’t!!!  However, a good thing did happen.  We calmly acknowledged our difference of opinion, and I was able to go to sleep in peace.  There was no wedge between me and my husband.  Don’t allow the enemy to gain a foothold in your marriage.  Resist the temptation to go to sleep with simmering anger and resentment.

Confront selfishness & self-centeredness!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Selfishness. It’s such an unattractive character quality, right?! I’ve always thought most men are pretty selfish, and perhaps many are.  However, God’s been convicting me of my own selfishness! Ugh. It can be a very subtle thing for women.  In fact, selfishness and self-centeredness are often found in a woman’s thought-life.  She may think things like this:  “My husband should be more romantic toward me. How can I convince my husband that my way is right?  My husband isn’t really making me happy anymore.  I married him because he’s supposed to make me happy!”  And the thoughts go on and on.  We also tend to have this self-centered narrative playing inside our heads in regard to all our relationships!  We think things like, “Why doesn’t my ______ (mom, dad, sister, neighbor, co-worker) encourage me and see that I need to be appreciated?”

I’m becoming convicted that none of us will find much joy in marriage, or in any relationship, when we only look out for what we want and what we think will make us “happy”.  Actually, true joy comes from serving others and thinking of how we can bless them.  It is so counter-intuitive!  However, it is also so Biblical.  Philippians 2:3-4 says “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself.  Each of you should look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others.”  Maybe you should try to look at life from your husband’s perspective this week and really try to understand his point of view during disagreements. Maybe you could intentionally build him up each day and voice your appreciation for big and small things he does.  How could you bless him this week?  Maybe you should ask God how you can be a blessing to your mom or dad or co-worker this week, instead of expecting them to bless you!

P.S. I know some of you are thinking, “Why should I be the only one doing this? What about my husband?”  Well, how about if you clean up your side of the street first?  I have a strong hunch that your entire marriage will improve and your husband’s heart will be drawn to you.  Are you willing to give it a try?

When facing marriage difficulties

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

It’s so very easy to sink into self-pity, despair or flat-out depression when you become disappointed in your marriage.  It happens when your husband doesn’t have the same perspective as you, or when he doesn’t meet your expectations, or when he does something hurtful. 

However, you do have a choice in how you’re going to view this challenge in your marriage.  You can choose to feel sorry for yourself and become consumed with resentment and hopelessness….or you can choose to do much more productive things!  You can choose to make the most of your hardship by….

1. Praying without ceasing for God to intervene in the situation. (read Luke 18:1-8) 

2. Seeking guidance from God on what possible actions you should take.  Sometimes God may want you to extend grace, realizing that your husband will never be perfect, just as you will never be perfect. Other times, God may want you to courageously establish boundaries with your husband, especially if he is sinning against you.  Consult the Lord for guidance through His Word and through listening prayer. (read Psalm 32:8)

3. Asking God what He wants you to learn through this situation so that you grow in character and faith. (read Romans 5:3-5).  Is He trying to teach you patience?  Is He trying to teach you how to communicate your frustration in a more respectful way when your husband upsets you?  God is always trying to mature us!

4. Seeking God through Bible-reading and worship so that you can experience His comfort at a new and deeper level than you ever knew was possible!  (Psalm 34:18)