communication

How to avoid frustration with hubby

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Even if you have a great marriage, we will all experience moments of frustration with our husbands from time to time.  Well, one key to resolving those frustrations (and avoiding them in the future) is to understand the cause.  In my experience, the cause is typically “unmet expectations”.   We consciously or even subconsciously expect our husbands to act in a certain way, and when they don’t, we get really frustrated!

So, here’s a nugget of wisdom that may be the remedy.  Clearly communicate your expectations and desires to your husband!  Duh!  I know this sounds too simple, but honestly, we are often at fault for holding expectations but failing to clearly reveal those expectations to our men.    We act like husbands are mind-readers and should “just know”.  News flash:  Most men don’t “just know”.  They don’t think like women, and they don’t know what you expect and desire from them.  In fact, when we fail to communicate what we want, we’re not really being honest with them. 

Maybe it’s time to bless your husband by being honest about your expectations and desires.  Proverbs 24:26 says “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips“!!  Start to clearly communicate your expectations to your man.  Now, your husband may disagree with your expectations, and that’s okay.  That’s an opportunity for the two of you to sit down and discuss your respective opinions and work toward a compromise.  But at least you’ll be on the same page and understand each other’s expectations!

How to speak into your man’s life

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

You likely know your husband better than anyone.  As his wife, you’re also called to be your husband’s helper.  This is made clear in Genesis 2:18 when God said “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him”.  Then God created woman!  Well, one of the many ways you can truly “help” your husband is to gently, humbly and lovingly voice your concerns when your husband is clearly heading off course in some area of his life.

Is your husband drinking more and more alcohol?  Is your husband spending increasing overtime hours at work to the detriment of his health or family time?  Is your man overly busy and unable to squeeze in any time for exercise?  Is your guy coming up with reasons why he can’t make it to church lately?

If you see your husband’s life getting out of balance, you can do two things.  First, pray that the Holy Spirit would convict your husband about his decisions or behavior and that the Holy Spirit would make your man aware of the correction he needs to make.  Secondly, ask God if He wants you to gently bring up the concern for discussion with your husband.  

Tips: 

  • Take a lower physical position than him (such as kneeling beside him while he sits on the couch).  This position comes across as very humble and gentle and he will likely become less defensive.
  • Tell him some things you really appreciate and admire about him, and say “I am for you”.
  • Tell him something like “I’m in this with you. I’m your partner. How can I help you?”
  • You might also say “I’m struggling with some stuff too (tell him about your own struggle) so maybe we can help each other”.  When you display humility, he will likely be much less defensive about the concerns you’re raising.

3 things men want in communication

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Want to improve your communication interactions with your husband?  Well, maybe it would help if you understood three things that really matter to most men when it comes to communication.  Here they are:

1)  Most husbands prefer that their wife be direct in stating what they want or need.  They don’t respond to hints.  They don’t want to have to read between the lines or try to read your mind.  They just want you to come right out and state what you want or need…and it helps if you can state your needs calmly, without a lot of drama or intense emotion.

2)  Most husbands want you to keep it simple and short.  They don’t want long explanations or fascinating details.  Their minds begin to wander after about 30 seconds!  So get to the point quickly.  Ecclesiastes 5:3 is a good reminder.  It says “Many words mark the speech of a fool“.

3)  All husbands need their wives to be respectful, both while talking and while listening. This is Biblical. Ephesians 5:33 says “the wife must respect her husband“.  This means speaking to your husband in a respectful tone and making sure your body language and facial expressions show honor.  No eye-rolling!  It also means that you listen attentively when your husband is speaking to you, and you refrain from interrupting him, finishing his sentences, or correcting him.  Oh, and one more thing.  It means you let him have a few moments to unwind when he comes in the door at the end of the day before you launch into a big discussion! 

Wives must know this about emotions!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Do you tend to get loud when you get upset?  Are you prone to big, dramatic displays of your emotions, whether joy, frustration or sadness?  Well you might not know this, but most men are really uncomfortable with big displays of emotion.  This isn’t true for ALL men, but for most men.

In other words, if you’re a drama queen….your husband will likely try to escape your presence!  He just doesn’t know what to do with your larger-than-life emotions.  Maybe this is why 1 Peter 3:4 advises wives to have the beauty that comes from a “gentle and quiet spirit“.   

Most men much prefer that their wives discuss their emotions, fears, disappointments, frustrations, and joy in a calm manner.  Your husband will be much more likely to engage in a meaningful discussion with you if you can speak in a normal tone of voice, without waving around your arms.  Try it!

Husbands desire “plain-speak”!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

This little devotional really addresses and accomplishes two separate things:  blessing your man in a way that will also bless you!

Here’s something I’ve come to realize.  Wives have a need to feel loved and cherished, but this need is largely misunderstood by the male species!  We might have read the book “The 5 love languages” and we may have even told our husbands what our love language is, but alas, he does not seem to be “speaking” that love language.  So, we grow more and more disappointed every day. 

But here’s the big idea.  Maybe we need to clearly and plainly communicate exactly HOW your husband can carry out your particular love language.  In other words, tell him plainly!  Don’t hint.  Don’t just expect him to know.  Your love language may very well be a foreign language to him.  And even if he has the same love language, he might want it carried out in a different way than what you desire.  So, tell him clearly and plainly what you need to feel loved.  Tell him clearly and plainly what you need him to do in areas where you have been growing disappointed.

Hebrews 10:24 (amplified) says:  and let us consider [thoughtfully] how we may encourage one another to love and to do good deeds.   Maybe a way we carry out this instruction in marriage is to clearly communicate exactly how to love and do good deeds for each other.  And when it comes to the male species, let’s remember that they are not mind readers.  Men appreciate “plain-speak”.  Just tell them what you want or need!  They will be blessed, and likely, you will be also. 😊

Do this before giving hubby advice

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

A wife’s words are so impactful!  I have written devotionals in the past about the power of pausing during a heated conversation with our men so that we refrain from responding with words that are harsh or mean….something we’ll likely regret later.  Well, there’s also another reason to pause.  As women, we need to pause before we offer casual bits of advice or “wisdom” to our husbands.

I don’t think we realize how our guys are greatly influenced by us!   We might think they aren’t really paying that much attention to a casual suggestion we toss out, but often they are.  In fact, many husbands in the Bible were greatly influenced by something their wives said, and the wives rarely had good advice!  I think especially of Sarah telling Abraham to sleep with her servant in order for him to have a son, since she was getting impatient waiting for God to fulfill his promise to give her children! Read the story in Genesis 16:1-4 and you will find out Sarah’s decision didn’t turn out so well!

So, let’s think twice before we offer a morsel of our brilliant counsel during a conversation with our men.  I remember so clearly a time I did that several years ago with my husband and he immediately acted upon it.  I hadn’t really even thought it through, let alone prayed about it. It wasn’t actually a good suggestion that I tossed out at him carelessly!  Thankfully, there was no harm done, but it got me to thinking about the need to really pause and pray about any suggestions or counsel I decide to pass on to my husband.  How about you?

How to soften husband’s heart

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

You want to know a sure-fire way to soften your husband’s heart toward you?  Be humble and quick to apologize when you have been disrespectful toward him!  I say “when” instead of “if” you are disrespectful because ALL wives gravitate toward being disrespectful from time to time!  Much of the time, we don’t even recognize that we’re being disrespectful. 

Let me give some examples.  You roll your eyes when he forgets to do something.  You sigh dramatically and shake your head about his “cluelessness” when he doesn’t meet your expectations.  You ask his opinion about something but then point out the flaws in his thinking.  You might even be disrespectful by giving him the silent treatment when he fails to eagerly pitch in to help with the household chores. 

When a wife acts disrespectfully toward her husband, he often hardens his heart toward her as a means of self-protection.  So, if you would like to soften your husband’s heart toward you, ask God to help you catch yourself the minute you say or do something that communicates disrespect.  Then, be quick to sincerely and humbly apologize.  A powerful apology contains these words:  “I was wrong to ….” and “please forgive me”.  Your humility will go a long way in softening your man’s heart.  Humility is a virtue we need to intentionally put on every morning.  Colossians 3:12 puts it this way, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.“

Tell husband what you need!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I don’t know why it took me so long to figure this out!  Men aren’t wired like women.  Men don’t think like women. Thus, men don’t instinctively know how to make a woman feel loved or how to comfort her when she’s distressed.  I guess my brain sort of knew this was true, but nonetheless, I expected my husband to read my mind and “just know” what to do!

Here’s what I’m suggesting.  What if we decided to do our husbands a favor, and instead of expecting them to be mind-readers, we actually clearly and concisely told them what we need?!  Proverbs 24:26 says “An honest answer is a like a kiss on the lips”.  Indeed, your husband will be so thankful and blessed when you’re actually truthful and straightforward by clearly explaining what you need.  I’ve put this into practice in my marriage, and what a difference it makes!  Sometimes I have to remind him (sometimes several times!), but I can tell that he is actually relieved to know how to please his wife instead of trying to figure out the mystery of the woman’s mind (and her needs) all by himself!

A wife’s laughter can wound

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Here’s something I’ve learned along my journey of being a wife.  Husbands desperately crave respect from their wives, ESPECIALLY in front of other people.  I’ve also learned that one of the things that crushes a husband is when his wife disrespects him in front of other people my making fun of his failures or laughing about his blunders.  Granted, some of his mistakes might be kind of funny, but sharing those “funny” mistakes with other people only serves to emasculate your husband.

I feel like a broken record because I’m constantly referring wives to Ephesians 5:33, but hey, we need constant reminders!  We so easily forget a man’s need to be respected by his wife.  Ephesians 5:33 simply says “the wife must respect her husband.”  Period.  No qualifiers.  God doesn’t say “show respect only when you feel respect”.  Nor does God say “show respect, except for when your husband makes a mistake”.  God simply and concisely instructs wives to BE respectful in their interactions with their husbands. This is a decision you get to make.  From personal experience, I can tell you that your decision to treat your husband with honor, respect and esteem (especially in front of other people), will draw his heart to you and encourage him to live up to your expectations of actually BEING an honorable and respectable man.  Try it!

Say this to draw your husband’s heart

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

We all know that women are greatly concerned about their body image….maybe even obsessed about it!  But did you know that men are also hyper-sensitive about one aspect of their body image?  Almost every man really wants to be perceived as strong and muscular.  This means your husband yearns for you to notice and appreciate his muscles!  He’s not going to tell you that, but he really wants to be perceived as strong!

Perhaps this is why the bride in the Bible’s Song of Songs continues to tell her groom over and over again how she values his strength and muscular body.  Here are some examples of what she tells him:  Song of Songs 2:8-9 “Behold, he comes, leaping over the mountains, bounding over the hills. My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag.”   Song of Songs 5:14-15 “His arms are rods of gold set with topaz. His body is like polished ivory decorated with lapis lazuli. His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as its cedars.”

When’s the last time you verbally admired your husband’s strength?  When is the last time you noticed his biceps and made a little comment about how impressive they are?  Your husband craves those comments!  As you vocalize your appreciation for his physical strength, he will be drawn to you!