As a wife, you want your husband to cherish you and be drawn to you. The question is: once you get married and the intoxication of new love wears off, how do you keep your man drawn to you? Of course, you want to do what you can to stay attractive, and you likely know a robust sex life with him is super important, but here are 2 other simple things that will tend to draw your husband to you.
1) Listen intently to him when he talks, especially when he talks about his hopes, his dreams, his plans, and the things he loves to do. If you engage him in conversation about his dreams and passions in life, he will feel understood, accepted, and valued for who he is at his core. Valuing his hopes and dreams is a sign of respect, and Ephesians 5:33 says, “The wife must respect her husband.” This doesn’t mean that you necessarily agree with some of his more far-fetched dreams, but you can certainly explore with him why that specific dream or passion is exciting to him. Perhaps you can even brainstorm ways to satisfy those longings in practical ways.
2) Make plans for fun outings together and then make time in your schedule to have fun with him! You used to do this when you were dating, and you need to keep connecting with him through fun activities and hobbies during your marriage. Golf together. Try doing a workout video together. Start a pillow fight. Watch funny movies. Take a hike. Go sledding in the winter and kayaking in the summer. Invite a fun couple to your house once a month to play table games. Your husband will bond with you and be drawn to you when you have fun together.
99% of wives would like to feel more emotional intimacy and connection with their husbands, but often a husband and wife end up drifting apart as the years of marriage pass by. This is especially true when children come on the scene. You get super busy and absorbed with the kids and your husband feels unimportant, unvalued, and un-needed.
However, there is one simple step you can take to begin changing that dynamic. Start asking your husband for his opinion! Ask him his thoughts on the right number of activities for the kids. Ask him his thoughts on how to best arrange the living room furniture. Ask his opinion on what is most important to him in terms of cleaning and tidying the house. (You might be surprised that most men would prefer you focus on keeping the home tidy rather than clean).
By asking your husband for his opinion, you’re communicating that he matters. You’re communicating that he is a needed and valued team member. You’re communicating that he is respected by you! He needs that respect. He’s wired to crave your respect. That’s why God gave a clear instruction to wives in Ephesians 5:33. It simply says “The wife must respect her husband.” So, start respecting your husband by asking his opinion and truly considering his thoughts and desires. You will find that he likes being around you more, and you will develop a powerful sense of “team” in your marriage.
Wouldn’t it be great if you and I could stop spending energy trying to hide all our flaws, fears, and failures? Most of us are in “hiding”. You’re afraid that if anyone, including your husband, was to discover your flaws, they wouldn’t love you anymore. Satan has convinced us that we need to hide who we really are. He whispers into your ear that your husband will look at you with disgust if he were to discover the real you. Satan tells you your husband might even leave you.
Satan is a liar. I know from experience that the opposite is true! When my late husband revealed all of his flaws (and I mean ALL) on our first date, even though I was shocked by his transparency, I found it completely refreshing and heart-warming. It made me feel like I could trust him to be honest in the future…that he wouldn’t hide stuff from me. We gained a kind of deep intimacy on that first date that some couples never experience in decades of marriage! How wise to live out Proverbs 28:13 in your marriage, which says “Whoever conceals his sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”
So, my challenge to you is to take a baby step forward in being “real” with your husband. Tell him that you’d like to be able to share with him a deep fear or failure from your past. Tell him that you need to be able to trust him to handle this revelation with tender care. I believe you may discover a rich new level of intimacy with your man. Also, by you going first, he may feel more comfortable revealing more of his true self to you in return!
Many women get so discouraged about the lack of emotional connection with their husbands. Wives desperately desire their husbands to open up and share their deepest thoughts and feelings, but often it just doesn’t happen. Well, one of the things I’ve learned is that most men will do almost anything to avoid looking weak or being vulnerable to criticism. So, they don’t share their hearts. They don’t want to risk your scoffing or criticism. They’re like a turtle that tucks its head inside a protective shell.
But there is a way to prompt your husband to take the risk of sharing his heart with you. You need to be a safe place for him to share his heart! What do I mean by that? Well, I’ll tell you what it looks like if you’re NOT a safe place. Do you roll your eyes at his ideas? Do you explain why he’s wrong when he shares his thoughts, beliefs, or ideas? Do you criticize him or complain all the time? Those kinds of words and actions don’t exactly make him feel safe in terms of opening up his heart at the deepest level!
God instructs wives in Ephesians 5:33 “the wife must respect her husband.”, and if you consistently show that respect…day after day…and month after month….your husband may start feeling it’s safe to risk opening up his heart to you. Starting today, try looking for ways to encourage your husband. Listen attentively to what he talks about. Ask gentle (non-snarky) questions to dig a little deeper into his thoughts and dreams. Affirm him in any way you can. You might find that he will enjoy talking to you a whole lot more! And that turtle just might poke his head out from underneath the shell.
I was reflecting recently about how many affairs happen between people who work closely together. The boss has an affair with his long-time female assistant. The female newscaster has an affair with the male newscaster who works in the same studio every day. The pastor has an affair with his long-time secretary. I realized something profound. These people ended up having an affair because a super strong emotional bond was created as they worked together as a team over many years.
There is great bonding power when a man and woman work side by side as a team toward a common goal. As they fight together through challenges and adversity, they bond. As they work side-by-side over many years, they develop a history of shared experiences and memories that only they know about…and that creates a special bond. The power of team is highlighted in the well-known verse in Ecclesiastes Chapter 4: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”
Thought for you: How can you take this knowledge of the “power of team” and use it to foster an even deeper bond between you and your husband? Can you intentionally begin working together on some common projects or goals? Think about it…because the “power of team” can create a super strong glue for your marriage.