Christian

Oddest tip for a vibrant marriage!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’m going to give you the oddest, most counter-intuitive tip for your marriage.  You’re not going to want to hear this tip, let alone do it!  However, I urge you to give it a chance; maybe even do an experiment and try it for a few weeks straight.  I learned in my marriage to Raul that this tip was powerful and transformative, and it drew my husband’s heart to me.  Here is the tip, and it is a Biblical principle:  Die to self.  I know. I told you it was counter-intuitive!  In short, this principle could be summed up like this:  It isn’t all about me! 

  • Luke 9:23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”  
  • 1 Corinthians 10:24  No one should seek their own good, but the good of others. 
  • Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Here’s what I know.  When I focus on myself, and what I want, and what I think I need, and how the people in my life aren’t making me happy or perfectly meeting my needs….I grow depressed and resentful.  I become an irritable, sour-faced woman!  No one, including a husband, wants to be around that!!  But, if I focus on serving God, responding to his prompts on loving and serving others….I feel fulfilled and joyful.  In marriage, if you focus on being a blessing to your husband, his heart is drawn to you and your heart, believe it or not, is drawn to him. The marriage grows stronger!  By the way, being a blessing to your husband can mean many things.  It can mean being kind even though he’s in a bad mood from a stressful day…or getting up early to make him a great breakfast even though you’re headed off to work too…or lovingly and respectfully asking him to seek help if he has a personal problem that is spiraling out of control. 

Try it for a few weeks.  Ask God every morning to help you die to self-centeredness and ask Him for direction on how to be a blessing to your husband this day.  Let me know how it goes!

Jesus cares about your distress

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

We all go through challenging days…whether in your marriage, with your kids, with finances, at your job, etc.  It’s at those times; we tend to feel so alone.  We desperately need to know that God notices our distress.  We need to know that He is with us and that He cares.

Well, despite what Satan is whispering in your ear…that nobody cares…that you’re all alone…that your broken heart will never get better…the Bible tells a different story!  I find so much comfort in these verses:

  • The Lord is close to the broken-hearted (Psalm 34:18)
  • Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)
  • You are the God who sees me (Genesis 16:13)
  • He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3)
  • Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all His benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.  Psalm 103:2-4

How to get unstuck & move forward

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Do you feel stuck in some area of your life?  Perhaps you feel stuck in dysfunctional patterns, or stuck in paralyzing insecurity, or stuck in resentment, or stuck in grief.  Maybe you just can’t get past trauma you experienced years ago.  You want to move forward and gain hope, but you just don’t know how to get there.

I’ve been there!  I experienced years of sexual abuse and trauma as a child.  I know the heartbreak of divorce after 18 years of marriage. I know the grief of losing a much-loved second husband to covid.  I understand staying stuck in dysfunctional patterns and insecurity.  However, I’m no longer stuck there.  God has set me free! 

My freedom began as God continued to whisper the word “pivot” to my soul.  Every time I would revisit painful memories and insecurities, I would hear God gently nudging me to leave the past behind and move forward with hope as I held tightly to His hand.  He walked me out of darkness and into light every single time.  All praise to our loving Savior!  A key verse God highlighted for me is Isaiah 43:18-19  “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?”

I long to share what God taught me so that you can also break free.  That’s why I just published my first book called “Pivot”.  I urge you to check it out.  You can find it on Amazon by simply typing “Debbie Chavez” into the search.  This is not some kind of get-rich scheme.  50% of the proceeds will go directly to the Squadron of Sisters ministry.  I simply long for you to gain the same freedom, hope and joy that God has given me.  Amen!

Words your husband needs to hear

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Many powerful and influential male leaders have attributed much of the reason for their success to their wives.  Billy Graham is one of those leaders.  When his wife died in 2007, he told reporters “My work through the years would have been impossible without her encouragement and support.” 

Your husband needs your encouragement and esteem in order to have the boldness and confidence to accomplish great things.  In Genesis 2:18, God makes it clear that women were created because men need help.  God said “It is not good for man to be alone.  I will create a helper suitable for him.”  That helper is you, and one of the biggest ways you can help your husband is by encouraging him with your words. 

With that in mind, here are 10 words/phrases that your man longs to hear from you:

  1. I need you
  2. Thank you for taking such good care of me
  3. I’m so proud to be your wife
  4. You have a good heart
  5. I believe in you
  6. You’re so strong
  7. I know you can do it
  8. You’re a good provider
  9. I trust you
  10. You’re a good man

Words a wife should never say!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Husbands battle the world every day at their jobs.  Co-workers stab them in the back.  Other men put them down in order to look more important.  The culture tells your man he is a failure if he doesn’t own a Tesla and he can’t dunk like LeBron James.

So when your man comes home to you, the last thing he needs is to feel like a failure in your eyes too.  However, our words often unintentionally communicate just that!  Perhaps this is why God felt it necessary to actually instruct wives in Ephesians 5:33 that “the wife must respect her husband”. 

Even if your husband has disappointed you, you can still be respectful as you address his behavior, request changes, and establish boundaries.  However, if you condemn him and belittle him in that moment of disappointment, you shred his heart.  As a result, he will likely turn his heart away from you, self-medicate his pain in destructive ways, or simply stop trying to be a good man since you don’t see anything good in him anyway!

With the need to respect your husband in mind, here are 12 words you should never say to your man:

  1. You always….(insert complaint)
  2. You never… (insert complaint)
  3. Why don’t you ever…?
  4. I don’t respect you
  5. I feel like your mother
  6. If people only knew what you are really like
  7. You don’t make enough money
  8. How many times do I have to tell you…?
  9. That’s not the right way to do it
  10. I don’t need you
  11. I’ll never be able to trust you
  12. You’re a jerk

Take a marriage lesson from you dog!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Have you ever noticed how a man loves his dog?  Maybe it’s partly because the dog is clearly devoted to his man and shows it by jumping around with giddy delight the moment his man walks in the door.  Maybe it’s because the dog is his loyal companion.  Maybe it’s because the dog seems to just accept his man, despite his flaws and isn’t bent on criticizing his every move. J   

I can’t help but think wives could learn something from a man’s dog. (Yes, I’m saying this a bit tongue in cheek, but maybe a bit seriously too!)  What if you, as a wife, rushed to the door and greeted your husband with love and excitement, just as a dog greets its owner when he comes in the door at the end of the work day?  What if you, as a wife, were as eager to please as a man’s dog?  What if you were as much a faithful companion to your husband as dogs are for their owners?  What if you, like a lap dog, made it a practice of snuggling up close, without talking?  The Bible actually has something to say about that.  In 1 Peter 3:1, God says that “husbands may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.”  Hmmm.  That’s something to ponder.  Yep, perhaps there are a few lessons to learn from “a man’s best friend”….

This makes a husband feel respected

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

If you’ve spent plenty of time reading the New Testament (or if you’ve read many of my devotionals), you probably already know that the Bible has a very clear instruction to wives about respect.  God’s instruction is very concise and to the point in Ephesians 5:33. God simply says, “the wife must respect her husband”. 

However, two concerns often arise when a wife thinks about this instruction.  First, many wives shrug off this command because they don’t feel respect for their husband.  But the Bible verse says nothing about waiting to “feel” respect.  It simply tells wives to carry out the action verb of respect!  In other words, a wife can choose to act respectfully toward her husband, and she can do this even if she’s establishing a boundary on sinful behavior.

The second concern that arises from this instruction is how to show respect to your husband.  We aren’t men, so we don’t know what comes across as respectful versus disrespectful.   I’ve learned that many things communicate respect to a man, but let me share just one easy thing you can do.  Ask your husband’s advice on something and then actually follow his advice!  It’s so simple, yet so powerful! 

I did this the other day.  I was trying to craft a text to a relative regarding something rather sensitive and I wanted to be diplomatic.  Then I remembered to ask my husband for advice, and he actually provided a good insight!  In addition to that, I know he felt respected.  When you ask for your husband’s advice, you’re basically communicating that you think he has a brain and has something valuable to offer.  That makes him feel esteemed and respected.  Try it. 

One way to rid stress from your home

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Is there a lot of tension in your home?  Are you or your husband stressed much of the time?  There’s likely an imbalance in one or both of your lives!  I know that was sometimes the case for me and my husband Raul over the years.  In our situation, we got so bent on running ministries, counseling others, and helping take care of grandchildren that there was little to no time at all for us to simply relax and get filled back up.  God didn’t intend for us to be so “driven” that we became grouchy, irritable, cantankerous people!

On the other hand, Satan wants you to be so busy that you become stressed, pay no attention to nurturing your marriage or yourself, and then both you and your marriage slowly wither and die.  But Jesus says He wants us to enjoy life to the full!  Meditate on what Jesus says in John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full”.

All work and no play is a formula for disaster.  We need to intentionally carve out some “down time” for rest, recreation and fun.  When my husband and I could feel the stress mounting, we would choose to get away for a day or a weekend.  We relaxed, and it was rejuvenating!  Our stress level decreased.   My goodness, even Jesus needed to get away from the stress of his work to spend quiet time alone.  Luke 5:16 says Jesus “often withdrew to desolate places and prayed”   Is there an adjustment you need to make in your schedule or a weekend get-away that you need to plan for you and your husband?

Do you have an encourager?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Life often seems like a winding highway full of potholes.  We get bounced around by people who disappoint us.  We disappoint ourselves.  Satan loves to plant that seed of doubt about whether we can make it through current challenges in our marriage, with our kids, at our job, etc.  We wonder if we can handle what’s around the bend.

That’s why we need encouragers in our lives!  1 Thessalonians 5:11 says “encourage one another and build each other up.”  My question for you is:  Do you have a friend who encourages you?  Or do you spend a lot of time with women who are negative, critical, and “downers”? 

If you don’t have an encouraging woman in your life, ask God to reveal a woman who seems to have the gift of encouragement.  Then ask her if you could regularly get together, perhaps once a week or every other week, just to chat and mutually encourage each other.  That’s right.  You can be her encourager too.  We all need it!  Let’s link arms together ladies!

4 things to do if he disappoints you

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Every wife is going to have moments (or weeks or months!) that she’s disappointed with her husband.  No man is perfect, and your husband is bound to frustrate you, annoy you, or fail to meet your expectations from time to time.  The question is:  How can you keep from being seriously discouraged or resentful during those times?  I have found 4 things to be really helpful:

1) Clearly communicate your expectations and desires!  Men are not mind-readers, yet often wives expect their husbands to “just know”!  So, think about the areas in which you’ve been frustrated or disappointed. Then calmly and clearly tell your husband what you desire or need, as well as how much you’d appreciate him making an effort to meet those needs and desires.

2) Be grateful for what he does right!  Isn’t it strange how most wives tend to gravitate to focusing on what their husband is doing wrong, but barely give a second thought to what he’s doing right?!  Stop right now and ask God to help you see the many good things about your husband and the positive things he does.  This is the essence of Philippians 4:8… “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such thing.”

3) If your husband is actually sinning against you, it’s time to stop wringing your hands and it may be time to take action!  In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus instructs us to confront the person who sins against us, and to even get others involved if necessary.

4) Pray, and never give up!  Prayer truly can move mountains, and Jesus tells us in Luke 18:1 that we “should always pray and not give up“.  So go to battle in prayer, and ask God to reveal His love to your husband and to mold and shape your husband’s heart.