At the risk of you thinking I’m totally looney, may I suggest that you talk with your husband about clear boundaries regarding your female friends? In other words, he should not be a close “friend” of any of your own girlfriends! I know this might seem old-fashioned or even ridiculous, but many affairs start out with a husband “just talking” with another woman. We need to be careful and alert to the schemes of the enemy!
1 Peter 5:8 says “Be alert and of sober-mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” So, be alert to the enemy’s scheme to get your husband emotionally entangled with one of your friends. He should not spend time with her without you. He should not even be spending time on the phone with her giving advice or listening to her woes. Without him intending to do so, he will slowly find himself developing an emotional bond with your friend, and she will start bonding with him. Danger lies ahead!
Betrayal in marriage can come in many different forms. Sometimes, it’s a deep emotional affair. Other times, it’s a highly inappropriate online relationship. Of course, betrayal can also mean an actual physical affair. Any way you slice it, the cut is deep to the spouse who has been betrayed. If you have been betrayed by your husband, your heart is broken and trust has been blown to smithereens by the lies and deceit that surround betrayal. It will take time for you to heal and for trust to be restored.
If your husband is unrepentant and defiantly continues on with the affair/inappropriate relationship, then you will need to consult God and godly counselors as to whether you should consider divorce or whether you should set firm boundaries and wait for God to do a mighty transforming work in your husband’s life.
However, if your husband is indeed repentant, then you have a different kind of decision to make. You will need to give yourself some time to grieve, and you will need to tell your husband what he needs to do in order to regain your trust. Those things are a given. But, at some point, you also have to make the decision to let go of the hurt and resentment and move forward in building a new and healthier marriage with your husband. You MUST choose to let go of the resentment and pain after several months of grieving. If you do not, and you keep throwing his past sin in his face, you will slowly beat down your husband to the point that he simply gives up. You will also become a sour-faced woman who no one wants to be around!
It’s easy to let your emotions guide your behavior, but that rarely ends well. Resentment and bitterness act like a poison! You must CHOOSE to let go of bitterness. Hebrews 12:15 puts it this way: “Let no bitter root grow up among you to cause trouble and defile many.” Yes, you need to allow yourself time to grieve your pain with God and some godly girlfriends, and yes, you need to tell your husband how to regain your trust. But then, you need to stop dwelling on the past! Isaiah 43:18-19: “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing. Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?”
Betrayal in marriage is so devastating. Betrayal takes many forms…adultery, use of pornography, excessive gambling, alcohol or drug abuse, etc. If your husband betrayed you in some way, you know the resulting heartbreak first-hand. If your husband has finally repented of this behavior, praise God! However, there’s almost always a secondary, deep issue that needs to be dealt with…regaining trust. That’s because betrayal is almost always engulfed in lies. The husband who has an affair does so in secret and deceives his wife about his whereabouts. The husband who has an alcohol problem usually drinks secretly and lies about his drinking.
So, how does a wife learn to trust after betrayal? Well, the first part is up to you. You must clearly communicate what you need from your husband in order to begin to trust him again. Here is what I suggest. Let him know you will only be able to begin trusting again if you see him taking actual steps toward serious accountability and recovery. I would also let him know that he needs to show that he is willing to do the hard work of recovery over the long haul, not just a few weeks. This is the essence of Matthew 3:8, which instructs us to “produce fruit in keeping with repentance.”
You need to see fruit, week after week and month after month. That “fruit” may involve long-term counseling, a treatment program, long-term involvement with a 12-step group such as AA, etc. The fruit should also mean willingness on his part to honestly account for his time, money, and computer use. All that being said, remember to treat your husband with the same kindness, compassion and humility that you would want him to treat you if you were struggling with an addiction or had stumbled in some major way. Your husband is NOT your enemy! He needs you to encourage him, while also firmly requesting that he do the hard work to regain your trust.
Yes, there are a lot of temptations facing your husband every day. He will likely see beautiful women, either at work, at the espresso stand, or at the sandwich shop on any given day. If you have cable TV, Hulu, or Netflix, he will certainly view gorgeous women there. There’s just no getting around it. But there’s one thing he won’t regularly encounter with those women. They’re not waiting at home for him with a passionate kiss at the end of his exhausting day!
The way to ensure your husband is thinking about you during his day is to take a moment before he leaves for work and whisper into his ear some of the “plans” you have for him that evening! The bride in the Bible’s Song of Songs models this for us! Here is just one excerpt of the arousing words she spoke to her groom in anticipation of them coming together intimately… “Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (Song of Songs 4:10)
So, what erotic thing could you whisper to your husband as he heads off to work? You might say something like this: “I’m getting a sitter for the kids tonight and I’ll be waiting for you in the kitchen, wearing an apron and nothing else.” Be creative. Of course, you can’t do this every day. However, if you do it every few weeks, he’ll be dreaming of the next time you have a pleasant surprise waiting for him. He will be thinking of you!
When we first pledge our love to each other on our wedding day, we never think either one of us could possibly end up having an affair years later. Tragically, it happens quite frequently, and even among Christian couples. We can’t be ignorant of Satan’s mission revealed by Jesus in John 10:10 where He says Satan is out to “kill, steal, and destroy”. Satan would like nothing better than to rip apart your marriage. He is always plotting ways to get you or your spouse connected with someone of the opposite sex. That’s why we have to be vigilant from day one!
James 4:7 advises us…”Submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” One of the ways we can resist the devil’s schemes to destroy our marriages is to talk with our husbands about rules we will both follow relating to the opposite sex. Agree that you will never spend time alone with another man and your husband will never spend time alone with another woman. If your job requires you to be in a one-on-one meeting with someone of the opposite sex, agree that the door will always be left open. Agree that you will never share anything personal about your marriage with a member of the opposite sex. If at all possible, agree to never work as a two-person team with a member of the opposite sex on a project or at your job. That feeling of being a “team” is extremely bonding!
Safeguard your marriage. You may think you don’t need all these strict rules, but I know from personal experience that you do. Many solid Christians have fallen into Satan’s trap by failing to follow these safeguards. Don’t let your marriage be another notch in the devil’s belt.
The Appreciated Wife 