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One person can change a marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Each weekday, I offer a devotional intended to help wives. Yet, I have a funny feeling that some of you might be questioning why I’m always urging wives to change their behavior, look for ways to bless their husbands, and be more selfless in their marriage.  I can almost hear you asking, “What about him? Am I the only one who’s supposed to work on this marriage?”

Well, here’s a news flash for all of us.  We can’t change our husbands!  Only God can change a man’s heart.  We can establish boundaries.  We can encourage our men and offer wise counsel to them.  We can pray for God to transform them, but at the end of the day, we can’t control them.  We can only control us!  However, by changing the way we interact with our men, we can dramatically and positively impact them.  It’s the amazing power of one person to make a difference!

So, let’s all commit to working on ourselves.  Let’s look for ways to encourage our men, help our men, respect our men, and serve our men.  If your husband is engaged in a pattern of sin against you or your kids, pray every single day for God to break him free!  Commit to respectfully and lovingly setting boundaries on that behavior.  As you continue doing this week after week and month after month, I bet you’ll see a change in your husband and an improvement in your relationship. 

Don’t give up. Don’t be pessimistic.  Press on.  Meditate on this wonderful promise found in Galatians 6:9 “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.”

How to repair fractured marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Dog-gone it.  Sometimes marriage is so hard.  Sometimes, the imperfections of our spouse end up hurting us…deeply.  Your husband may have wounded you with an anger problem.  He may have cheated on you with porn or a real-life woman.  He may have spent more time with his hobbies than he did with you and the kids, and that really hurt.  Hopefully, he’s no longer doing those things.

However, even if he has made some positive changes, the wounding can be so severe that your heart might feel a little like a cracked egg. It’s kind of like Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall and went splat!  Even if your husband repents, how can your heart be put back together again?

Here are two thoughts that may help.  First, ask God to give you the same kind of compassion for your husband that God extends to us when we mess up.  You might want to meditate on Colossians 3:12-14 which says, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” 

Second, use this moment to examine your own actions and see if there is something God wants you to learn.  During some of the times in my life when I was most hurt by others, God gently showed me ways I contributed to the mess.  Have you been reacting to your husband’s behavior in disrespectful ways?  Have you avoided conflict and let resentment become toxic?  You and I probably both have some things we should learn.  Let’s commit to being humble and teachable.

Odd tip for a great marriage!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’m going to give you the oddest, most counter-intuitive tip for your marriage. You’re not going to want to hear this tip, let alone do it! However, I urge you to give it a chance; maybe even do an experiment and try it for a few weeks straight. I learned in my marriage to Raul that this tip was powerful and transformative, and it drew my husband’s heart to me. Here is the tip, and it is a Biblical principle: Die to self. I know. I told you it was counter-intuitive! In short, this principle could be summed up like this: It isn’t all about me!
• Luke 9:23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”
• 1 Corinthians 10:24 No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.
• Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Here’s what I know. When I focus on myself, and what I want, and what I think I need, and how the people in my life aren’t making me happy or perfectly meeting my needs….I grow depressed and resentful. I become an irritable, sour-faced woman! No one, including a husband, wants to be around that!! But, if I focus on serving God, responding to his prompts on loving and serving others….I feel fulfilled and joyful. In marriage, if you focus on being a blessing to your husband, his heart is drawn to you and your heart, believe it or not, is drawn to him. The marriage grows stronger! By the way, being a blessing to your husband can mean many things. It can mean being kind even though he’s in a bad mood from a stressful day…or getting up early to make him a great breakfast even though you’re headed off to work too…or lovingly and respectfully asking him to seek help if he has a personal problem that is spiraling out of control.
Try it for a few weeks. Ask God every morning to help you die to self-centeredness and ask Him for direction on how to be a blessing to your husband this day. Let me know how it goes!

This inevitably kills relationships

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Unforgiveness.  It kills relationships every time.  It’s so sad to watch relationships splinter and die because of an unwillingness to forgive, and what’s even more heartbreaking is to see followers of Christ practice unforgiveness!  God tells us in His Word over and over again that we must forgive others, especially if they have repented (meaning that they have apologized and have turned away from that particular sin). 

Forgiving others who have sinned against us is a major theme of the New Testament, and God doesn’t just make forgiveness a “suggestion”.  It’s a command!  Here are some examples:

  • Matthew 6:14-15 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
  • Ephesians 4:32  Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
  • Matthew 18:21-22 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.

I think one of the reasons God is so adamant that we forgive others is because he knows it destroys relationships.  However, another big reason he commands forgiveness is because unforgiveness is really rooted in pride and self-righteousness, and God hates those two things!  Proverbs 16:5 “The LORD detests all the proud of heart.”

Maybe it’s time for all of us to check our heart toward others who have offended us or sinned against us.  Are we acting like we are way better than that other person?  Are we refusing to accept their apology because they “don’t deserve our forgiveness”?   Are we unintentionally aligning with Satan’s plan to destroy relationships by harboring pride and unforgiveness in our hearts?  Just something to ponder with the help of the Holy Spirit.