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Signs you are truly a loving wife!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I don’t know about you, but I tend to think I’m a pretty amazing wife!  I mean I try to be respectful.  I try to keep the house clean and tidy.  I cook meals and bake sugary things I think my husband would like. I try to remember to encourage my husband from time to time. I’m faithful.  So, I’m doing great, right? 

Well, I was recently convicted when I happened to be reading a familiar passage of the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13.  In that passage, God explains what true love looks like.  As I read the passage more slowly than usual, I realized that I have quite a bit of room for growth when it comes to loving my husband well!  Maybe you have room for growth too.

I urge you to read the following description of love very slowly.  Linger over each facet of love that God is calling us to display.  Honestly ask the Holy Spirit to show you how you’re doing. Do you regularly display the signs of true love to your husband?  I bet God will highlight some areas where you could do better.  God is not mad at you.  We are all a work in progress, but let’s commit to making progress!! 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NLT)  Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.  It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Husbands need space before talking

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I know you’re wondering what I mean when I recommend “giving your husband space”.  So, let me complete the sentence.  Give your husband space….to talk! 

If you’re like most women, you tend to verbalize your thoughts and ideas very quickly.  You probably expect your husband to do the same.  However, most men are not wired like that.  When asked a question about their idea or thought on a subject, most men take a bit to respond.  Here is the problem. Women ask their husband for their input or thoughts on a subject, but then we generally only pause for about 2 seconds before jumping right back in to give our thoughts instead of waiting for our husbands to form and verbalize their response!  I know I battle this tendency!  I know women who even talk FOR their husband when other people ask HIM a question.  Good grief.  I wonder if our failure to pause and give room for our men to answer causes our husbands to shut down their hearts to us. 

James 1:19 is a good reminder for us all. “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”  And here is another guiding verse for all wives.  Proverbs 18:13 “To answer before listening—  that is folly and shame.”

So, the next time you ask your husband for his input or his thoughts on something, be patient and WAIT for his reply.  You might find that he actually enjoys talking with you when two people get to be involved in the conversation instead of just one!

Oddest tip for a vibrant marriage!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’m going to give you the oddest, most counter-intuitive tip for your marriage.  You’re not going to want to hear this tip, let alone do it!  However, I urge you to give it a chance; maybe even do an experiment and try it for a few weeks straight.  I learned in my marriage to Raul that this tip was powerful and transformative, and it drew my husband’s heart to me.  Here is the tip, and it is a Biblical principle:  Die to self.  I know. I told you it was counter-intuitive!  In short, this principle could be summed up like this:  It isn’t all about me! 

  • Luke 9:23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”  
  • 1 Corinthians 10:24  No one should seek their own good, but the good of others. 
  • Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Here’s what I know.  When I focus on myself, and what I want, and what I think I need, and how the people in my life aren’t making me happy or perfectly meeting my needs….I grow depressed and resentful.  I become an irritable, sour-faced woman!  No one, including a husband, wants to be around that!!  But, if I focus on serving God, responding to his prompts on loving and serving others….I feel fulfilled and joyful.  In marriage, if you focus on being a blessing to your husband, his heart is drawn to you and your heart, believe it or not, is drawn to him. The marriage grows stronger!  By the way, being a blessing to your husband can mean many things.  It can mean being kind even though he’s in a bad mood from a stressful day…or getting up early to make him a great breakfast even though you’re headed off to work too…or lovingly and respectfully asking him to seek help if he has a personal problem that is spiraling out of control. 

Try it for a few weeks.  Ask God every morning to help you die to self-centeredness and ask Him for direction on how to be a blessing to your husband this day.  Let me know how it goes!

The ABC’s of marriage communication

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

So many wives lament about the problem of communication in their marriage.  Although entire books have been written on this subject, allow me to spell out 3 seemingly small things you can do that will greatly improve communication in your marriage.  They are the A, B, C’s:

  1. Assumptions are poison:  Don’t assume that your husband knows what you want or need, even though it is totally obvious to you and to pretty much every other woman on the face of the earth!  Men don’t think like women.  They don’t pick up on hints either.  So if you want something or need help with something, make your request clear and specific.  Example:  If you’re feeling overwhelmed because friends are coming over for dinner and your house is a mess, don’t just tell your husband you’re overwhelmed.  He may just sit down and start watching a basketball game on TV while you frantically start cleaning and grow more irritated by the minute!  Instead, ask him if he will do a certain chore such as vacuuming and have it done by no later than 6 pm. 
  2. Believe the best:  Believe the best about your husband during communication.  It’s funny how we tend to read between the lines in unflattering ways when our husband talks to us.  But what if you were to constantly coach your soul to believe the best about your husband and to place what he says through that filter?  Example:  Your husband says he’s too tired to play with the kids tonight even though they’re begging him to play catch.  You immediately assign a negative conclusion or belief that “he doesn’t even love our children!”.  But that isn’t what he said.  What if you were to immediately believe the best about him and come to the conclusion that he must be really tired from a stressful day at work and needs some time to get recharged?  What a difference!
  3. Careful listening:  Many communication problems could be solved if we were simply better listeners.  Often, we’re distracted and only partially paying attention to what our husband is saying.  Other times, especially during a disagreement, we aren’t paying any attention at all because we’re planning our wise rebuttal to whatever he has to say!  Great marriages benefit from carefully considering and respecting the other person’s point of view, not just our own.  Philippians 2:3-4 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

This one choice could change your marriage

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I wonder what would happen if you asked God to transform your character into His character and then you actually began striving to display His character in your marriage?  I bet your marriage would begin to thrive!

God describes His own character in Psalm 103:8, where the Bible says “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.”   Even just pressing into one of those 4 qualities could make a huge impact in your marriage.  What if you started displaying grace toward your man?  Grace simply means giving someone undeserved favor and loving kindness.

I’m not saying you should ignore destructive patterns of sin in your husband’s life.  However, I am recommending that you work to extend kindness to your husband even when they’ve annoyed you or disappointed you in small ways.  In fact, what if you were to extend grace by choosing to believe that he didn’t mean to disappoint you?  What if you were to give him the benefit of the doubt?  Extending that kind of grace could change your whole attitude toward your husband…and could draw his heart toward you!

Perhaps, we could sum it up this way. The appreciated wife leaves a fragrance, not an odor!

The power of a wife’s words

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Proverbs 18:21 says “the tongue has the power of life and death”.  Oh my.  Consider how many words a woman usually speaks in just one day, and you can see the potential for disaster!

It took me a couple decades to really understand this fact.  The words spoken by a wife to her husband can either build him up and give him confidence to step up and be an even better man…or her words can tear him down to the point that he emotionally withdraws from her and doesn’t try to accomplish much of anything because he believes he’s a failure.

What kind of words are you speaking to your husband?  Are you his biggest cheerleader?  Do you intentionally encourage him every single day, or do you give in to the temptation to point out his many flaws on a regular basis?  He NEEDS you to believe in him and encourage him.  By the way, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t hold him accountable or put boundaries in place if he is actively sinning against you.  However, even then, you can address sinful behavior with an attitude that is loving and hopeful.  You can still let your husband know that you see something good in him.

Is your husband better than you thought?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I remember being convicted several years ago when I overheard my late husband Raul tell some other men that he sometimes does things for me that he doesn’t feel like doing…just because he knows I will appreciate it.  This was news to me!  I hadn’t thought about it that way.  I thought he WANTED to do those things!  For instance, for years, Raul gave my feet a little massage every night before I went to sleep.  I thought he enjoyed doing that!  He also ran ALL the errands that needed to be done for us.  I thought he liked to run errands!  He also made sure there was always a fresh toilet paper roll waiting for me in the bathroom just in case the current one ran out.  Nice! 

Here’s the thing.  We often take our husbands for granted.  Could it be that your husband is doing things he doesn’t really want to do just to please you?  Could he be acting selflessly, and you just didn’t realize it?  Is he more noble than you thought?  Hmmm.  Could your husband be doing kind things for you that you didn’t even realize were a sacrifice for him? For instance….if he comes home from work exhausted and yet takes time to play with the kids or help you with some chores, that’s something to truly appreciate! Think about it and ask God to show you ways that your husband may be more noble than you thought.

Bottom line:  Maybe your husband is really doing a pretty good job fulfilling God’s command to husbands in Ephesians 5:25 where he tells men to “love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”.   The question is: How are YOU doing in fulfilling God’s command to wives in Ephesians 5:33 where he tells women, “the wife must respect her husband”?

Top 10 Bible verses for wives

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Believe it or not, God has better marriage advice than Cosmopolitan Magazine, Ellen DeGeneres, Oprah, or Kim Kardashian. He created us, so he probably knows how to make relationships work!  He has provided profound relationship principles in the Bible…and when wives apply these principles, amazing things happen!  Broken marriages begin to heal and mediocre marriages begin to thrive.  Here are my Top Ten Bible verses for wives, in no particular order.  As you read these verses, ask God to show you the principle he wants you to apply in your marriage:

1)  Genesis 2:18 “It is not good for man to be alone; I will create a helper suitable for him”

2)  1 Peter 3:4 tells wives to have “the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth in God’s sight”

3)  Proverbs 31:30 “Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised”

4)  Titus 2:4-5 “Urge the younger women to love their husbands and children and to be self-controlled and pure”

5)  Proverbs 31:27 “She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness”

6)  Ephesians 5:33 “The wife must respect her husband”

7)  Matthew 18:15-17 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, just between the two of you.  If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.  But if he does not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.  If he still refuses to listen, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” 

8)  Hebrews 12:15 “See to it that no bitter root grows up among you to cause trouble and defile many.”

9)  1 Corinthians 7:2-3 “Since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.  The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.”

10)  Colossians 3:18 “Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord”

An epiphany for your marriage!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Here’s one small but powerful shift in perspective that will change your entire marriage.  Start asking God to help you love the way He describes love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-5, but especially focusing on that little section in the middle of verse 5 where the Bible says this about love….”it is not self-seeking…”  Mic drop.

Everything changes when I stop focusing on self!  When I start asking God how I can be a blessing to my husband, and how I can reflect His love and grace to my husband, then everything starts to change.  I no longer keep a record of wrongs.  I no longer get easily frustrated and angry.  Disappointment no longer consumes my thoughts.  I’m not easily offended.

When I stop focusing on self, I can even approach sinful patterns in my husband with new boldness because I want the best for HIM, not just me.  I can boldly and firmly request that he gets help, but because I’m not self-focused, I can make those requests respectfully and in love.

I actually bought myself a stainless steel bracelet a while ago and had it engraved to say these words, “It’s not about me”.  I never take it off.  I wear it 24/7.  I need that constant reminder.  How about you?

** or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

Become an unoffendable woman!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Here’s a small but potent tip for improving all your relationships.  This tip will also improve your countenance!  Instead of being a sour-faced, bitter-looking woman, your face will exude peace, contentment, and calm.

Here’s the tip, and it’s actually straight from the Bible.  Stop being so easily offended!  Proverbs 19:11 in the NIV says, “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”  The NLT translation puts it this way, “Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.”

This theme of overlooking offenses is repeated in the New Testament. 1 Peter 4:8 (amplified translation) says, “Above all, have fervent and unfailing love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins [it overlooks unkindness and unselfishly seeks the best for others].”

Think about it for a minute.  Do you take offense too quickly?  I’m not saying that you should willingly put yourself in situations where you are likely to be abused (verbally or in any way), but God instructs us over and over again to refrain from being easily offended and to keep no record of wrongs does against us.  In the Bible’s famous definition of love, found in 1 Corinthians 13, verse 4 says: It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured.

What is God highlighting to you in these Scriptures?  I know He is using these passages to convict me.  He’s showing me that I will have greater peace in relationships if I stop allowing myself to become offended when people don’t treat me exactly how I think they should.  He’s showing me that I will have greater peace in my soul when I stop dwelling on perceived offenses and focus on loving Him and loving others well. What’s He showing you?