alone

Subtle signs of codependency

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Over the years, I’ve met with so many women who have been almost destroyed by their husband’s behavior.  They tell stories of husbands being verbally abusive, or controlling, or unfaithful, or only interested in themselves with no concern for their wife. It’s heartbreaking for sure.  And, honestly, I can relate to some of their stories in my own previous relationships.

If you are in an abusive marriage or your husband is cheating on you, of course, I would recommend seeking immediate guidance from a pastor, women’s ministry leader or Christian counselor.  You need not endure or enable such sinful and hurtful behavior.

That being said, I also want to urge you to break free from a subtle but huge snare of our culture.  Our culture has convinced many of us that our husbands should make us happy, that our husbands should meet all our emotional and relational needs.  Here’s the problem with that expectation.  All husbands are imperfect!  Many husbands struggle with sin.  Lots of men have their own deep emotional wounds from childhood that prompt them to lash out in anger or seek validation from other women.  If you rely on your husband for your “happiness”, you will live in a constant state of disappointment, grief and resentment.  You will have fallen into the subtle trap of codependency which prompts you to subconsciously depend on people to meet your deep emotional needs for love and security, rather than depend on God.

Instead, I ask you to look to God alone as your main love relationship!  God alone is steady.  God alone is your perfect help and refuge during life’s challenges.  Psalm 62:6-8 He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken.  My victory and honor come from God alone.      He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me.  O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.

** or view this topic as a 3 minute VIDEO BELOW

Your husband’s “nothing box”

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Sometimes, men are so hard to understand!  When we first see our husbands at the end of our work day, whether working away from home or inside the home, we LOVE to talk about how the day has gone.  We eagerly await our husband’s arrival so that we can share the details about the children, the crazy thing the neighbors did today, the weird stuff that happened at work, etc.  We LOVE to verbally process the day with our husbands.  But guess what?  Most men are not exactly excited about having a long conversation with their wives as soon as they walk in the door.  They long to spend some time in their “nothing box”.  Huh?

It’s hard for women to understand a man’s need for his “nothing box” because most women don’t even know what one is!  I’ve had a few men explain it to me in two different ways.  It can refer to most men’s uncanny ability to think about absolutely nothing…to completely zone out! It can also refer to a man’s need to have down time where he can veg.  Here’s the basic idea.  After a long day at work, most men need to enjoy either quiet or mindless activity in order to decompress from their day.  This means your husband probably doesn’t want to hear the fascinating details of your day as soon as he walks in the door and he probably doesn’t want to talk about his day either…at least not for a while.

So, give your husband some space when he first walks in the door.  Greet him with a smile and a kiss and then allow him some time in his “nothing box”.    You will become more beautiful to him.  God says this to wives in 1 Peter 3:3-4, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit…”

Feeling alone in your struggle?

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) 1 Comment

We’re all struggling with something.  It could be your marriage or your kids or your finances or your health or the political divisiveness that is separating longtime friends!  Often when we’re in the middle of a big challenge, we can feel very alone, even if we’re surrounded by people.  It seems like no one really understands what we’re going through.  We feel all alone in the battle.

But we’re not alone!  And this is not just a Christian bumper sticker or a warm and fuzzy saying on a Christian greeting card.  As some of you know, I lost my husband Raul to covid in November of 2021.  He was the love of my life, my companion, my best friend, my encourager, my partner in ministry, and so much more.  Talk about feeling alone when he departed this earth!

For several months, I grieved, and that was totally appropriate and necessary.  That grief turned even more heavy when I realized I was all alone.  I might have family and friends, but I had lost my constant companion and best friend and partner in life.  But then I sensed God bringing to mind some of Jesus’ final words to his disciples.  In Matthew 28:20 he told his disciples something HUGE!  “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”  

God was reminding me that Jesus is truly with me…every day…in every struggle…during my reflective morning coffee time to my search for guidance during the middle of a struggle.  He is my constant companion.   Yes, I have since remarried, but we will ALL still feel alone in life’s challenges from time to time.  I’m finding that in the middle of every challenge, the question has changed from “What should I do?”  to “What should WE do, Jesus?”   I’m even inviting Jesus to join me during mundane tasks and grocery shopping and an afternoon walk.  He is always with me.  I’m not alone.  Is it time to invite Jesus to be your constant companion?