2 surprising things husbands want!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

In the last couple of months, I have hosted several panel discussions featuring husbands.  I had a chance to ask husbands of different ages various questions designed to help wives grasp what husbands want and need from their wives. 

Most wives already know that most husbands want a good meal and sex!  That’s nothing new.  However, there were 2 new things I learned, and I noticed quite a few of the wives in attendance were also a bit surprised by 2 common answers.

When asked about how a wife’s respect impacts a man, many of the husbands said they feel respected if their wife stops what she’s doing and actually listens closely to what he has to say.  All this time, most women have yearned for their husbands to listen to them, but it turns out that men really want their wives to be intentional and respectful listeners also!  They feel respected and important if their wife actually pays attention to them and hears what they’re trying to communicate.

Another interesting thing I learned is that most of the men agreed that what makes their wife especially attractive (other than physical beauty) is being joyful and happy.  Wow!  That is something we have control over.  The saying “happy wife, happy life” is apparently very true!  One husband said he finds his wife beautiful when she smiles.  Another husband said he finds his wife especially attractive when she seems happy and filled with joy.  Proverbs 17:22 puts it this way, A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. 

Two things most husbands want:  be a good listener and smile more.  We can do this, ladies!

** or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

Don’t feel guilty about this need!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

I’m learning lately that I can’t give away much of anything to anyone else, including my family, if I’m not filled up myself!  So the question is: how do we get filled up?  Well, certainly part of the answer is spending time reading God’s Word and asking Him to help us truly know His love for us. You might want to meditate on Ephesians 3:17-19 which says, “I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” 

However, I believe we also need to take time to fill up our senses with all that God has created for us to enjoy!  I’ve noticed that when I literally take a few minutes to sit in the sun and gaze at the beauty of God’s creation, I get filled up.  I’ve noticed that when I snuggle my little grandson in my arms and read his favorite story, I get filled up.  I’ve noticed that when I sit in front of a crackling fire with a cup of coffee, I get filled up, in a good way.    

We all need to take time to enjoy what God has created.  It’s not a guilty pleasure if it’s done in moderation, and as long as it’s not a sinful action according to the Bible.  These things fill us up, and when we are filled up, we actually have energy and joy that we can give away to others.  So, what fills you up?  What brings you joy and a sigh of contentment? 

A truly wise wife does this

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Most of the time, being a woman of wisdom is an excellent attribute.  You may have been blessed with the ability to make smart financial decisions or relationships decisions.  That’s awesome!

But human wisdom is not the highest goal, and it can sometimes lead us astray from God’s perfect plan in our lives.  Think of Noah, for instance.  According to human wisdom, he must have been viewed as an idiot!  Wisdom would tell him there was no need to build an ark. It was utter foolishness.  Many “wise” people of his community must have mocked him and probably shook their heads in disbelief. Some were probably aghast at his “foolishness”.  But Noah decided to go against conventional wisdom and follow the promptings of the Lord.  It’s a good thing he did!

Listen to what 1 Corinthians 2:14 says:  The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit.

What I’m trying to say is this.  Don’t put God in a box.  He often operates outside the box and colors outside the lines!  In Isaiah 55:9, God says:  “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.  I have known women who were told by wise counselors to leave their unfaithful husbands and yet, some of these women heard God tell them to stick with their marriage, and in the long run, their marriage was restored.  I, personally, have experienced God telling me and my husband to do “unwise” financial things in order to carry on full-time ministry, and yet God rewarded our obedience to his “outside of the box” instructions!

So, consult God.  Ask Him for direction when you are at a crossroads.  Get quiet before Him and ask Him to speak guidance to your spirit.  Wise counselors are fine, but God has the ultimate wisdom, and He alone can see what lies ahead.  God says this in Isaiah 48:17, “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.”

Don’t be so wise that you forget to consult God and follow his perfect guidance!

See yourself the way God sees you

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For you and I to become confident, dignified women who refuse to put up with disrespect or abuse in marriage or any relationship, we must begin to see ourselves the way God sees us.   Emotionally-bruising words may have been spoken to you as a child and those hurtful words can easily become your identity.  Perhaps you made some major mistakes as a teen or young woman, and you started calling yourself a loser or hopeless or unlovable.

God wants you to listen for His voice above all the other voices we hear both externally and internally.  In John 10:27, Jesus says “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.”  Jesus wants to speak to you!  He wants to let you know how He sees you and how much he delights in you.  Here are 2 things that can help you truly comprehend how God sees you:

1) Meditate on Zephaniah 3:17 “The Lord your God is with you.  He is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you.  He will quiet you with his love.  He will rejoice over you with singing.”

2) Be still and ask God to whisper a word to your spirit about how he sees you.  Have faith that He WILL speak to you.  Be receptive, and listen.  He loves you!

Bouncing back from hardship or loss

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Almost every wife will eventually encounter a tough time in her marriage.  We’re all going to experience heartbreak and challenges in our lives in general.  The question is this.  Why are some people able to bounce back from adversity relatively quickly, and why do others seem to remain stuck?

At the risk of you hating me 🙂 …I’ll be honest and let you know that I tend to be very resilient.  After an initial period of shock and grief, I’m usually able to quickly pick myself up, dust myself off and move forward.  After pondering this ability with God, allow me to share a 3-word insight that might help you become more resilient too.

I trust God.  Period. Three little words that mean everything!  I have decided to believe what the Bible says….that God is in control and that His ways are perfect.  I have decided to believe the Bible truth that God can and will bring something good out of my hardship.  This is what we learn at the end of Joseph’s painful story in Genesis, where Joseph proclaims in Genesis 50:20, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good...”   I also take heart from Romans 8:28, where God says “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

I can bounce back because I trust God and because He says He will never leave me nor forsake me.  Do you truly trust God?  It’s a decision you get to make, and it makes all the difference.

Expectations for Christian husband

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Many Christian wives have asked me what they should expect from their husbands.  In other words, what is godly behavior for a husband?  Well, let’s look at what the Bible indicates about this.

Ephesians 5 includes one of the most comprehensive sets of instructions for husbands.  It says in verses 25 through 31… “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

Wow!  That’s a pretty high standard!  Yet God expects husbands to strive to imitate Christ’s selfless love for his bride, the church.   My late husband Raul was pretty amazing, but he still had some flaws.  My new husband Mark is an awesome man of God, yet he still has some imperfections.  I bet your husband isn’t perfect either.  However, the Christian husband should be seeking to become more like Jesus every day.  This means a husband should look out for the best interests of his wife and act in ways that indicate he cherishes her!

That being said, no Christian husband is as perfect as Jesus!  Don’t expect your husband to model Christ’s behavior every single minute of every single day.  Your husband is human, and he will make mistakes.  He will stumble in his attempt to display godly behavior each day.  So be thankful if you see him at least trying to follow and obey the Lord, even though he will fall short at times.  As believers, we should all be seeking to honor and obey the Lord each day.

This repels husbands!

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Nothing will repel your husband (or boyfriend) more quickly than….you acting all self-righteous!  However, this is exactly how women act much of the time.  We don’t intend to come across as self-righteous, or “better-than”, or arrogant, or “experts” on everything, but we can definitely come across that way to our men!  Having that kind of attitude ruins relationships.  As Proverbs 13:10 (NLT) says: “Pride leads to conflict”

So let’s examine ourselves.  Do you often correct your husband, giving the impression that you know more than he does?  Do you give long-suffering sighs when he forgets to do something, giving the impression that YOU would never do such a thing?   Do you make sure you let him know he has disappointed you, while being quick to defend yourself if he says you’ve disappointed him?

Maybe it’s time we stopped acting “better-than” our men!  We are ALL a work in progress.  Let’s strive this week to display a humble spirit.  Instead of repelling your husband, your humility will draw your husband toward you.  Wouldn’t you much rather be a fragrance in your husband’s life than an odor?!

Powerful prayer starts this way

Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez) Leave a comment

Do you ever feel like your prayers are bouncing off the ceiling?  Do your prayers seem ineffective?  Well, could it be that you’ve fallen into a very common pattern of simply using your prayers to tell God what to do, when to do it, and how to do everything?!  Hah!  I know I’ve fallen into that pattern more times than I care to admit.

The truth is that God doesn’t need us to explain to Him what to do.  If we’re being honest, we can acknowledge that we don’t always know the best thing to do.  But Jesus does know!  So maybe we should ask Him!

Here’s a mind-blowing fact.  Jesus is actually praying (interceding) to the Father for YOU right now!  Romans 8:34 says “Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.”

Another huge truth from the Bible is that our heavenly Father answer the prayers of people who are praying in line with His will.  1 John 5:14  And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us.

Put these two truths together and it becomes clear that the key to powerful prayer is to ask Jesus how He is praying for us or the challenge we’re worried about, and then to pray in alignment with Him.  When we start prayer that way, we know we are praying according to God’s will, and God answers those prayers! 

If you’re wondering how to know what Jesus is praying, simply ask Him to tell you and then await a gentle nudge of your spirit….a quiet whisper to your heart….a word downloaded into your mind.  Jesus says this in John 10:27  My sheep hear my voice….  So ask Him how he’s praying, await his direction, and then join him in that prayer.  How powerful!!

Suffering from approval exhaustion?

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In a recent prayer time, God gently confronted me. He asked me this simple question. Are you going to be a slave to your to-do-list today, or are you going to focus on bringing me glory? Here is another way of posing the question for both you and me: Are you working tirelessly to bring yourself glory as the “perfect wife’, “perfect mother”, perfect Christian, etc, or are you releasing your day to God and asking him to show you what to do and what NOT to do in order to bring HIM glory?

Oh man! Busted. To be honest, I tend to drive myself to always do more and do it better, because I want to look good in other people’s eyes. I become exhausted and stressed in the process. The good news is that God didn’t design us to be people-pleasers. Yes, we are to love people, but our focus shouldn’t be on doing whatever they want. Our focus also shouldn’t be trying to look good in people’s eyes. The Bible reminds us in Galatians 1:10 “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God?”

I am confident that if you and I were both to release our days to God and ask Him to guide us, we would find much more peace! We would be free of performance-exhaustion. We would find freedom from approval exhaustion. Instead, we would be free to follow God’s promptings, which will lead to greater joy and peace than we’ve ever known. In fact, if you listen for God’s voice, he might even tell you to take a nap or relax while listening to praise music! God’s Word promises that those who seek to follow Him (instead of following their own agenda) will enter peace! (Isaiah 57:2 says, “For the righteous man is taken away from calamity; he enters into peace.” And Isaiah 26:3 reminds us, “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”

Simple path to emotional intimacy

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I wish I had known about the blessings of a fire pit a long time ago! I had no idea that a fire pit could pave the way to more intimate, deep conversations than we routinely have in marriage. But I’ve discovered it’s true! There’s something bonding and safe about sharing your deepest thoughts, feelings and dreams in the flickering light coming from your backyard fire pit. Maybe it’s because it’s quiet and peaceful at night and, when sitting in front of the fire, we tend to talk in soft voices. Proverbs 15:1 says “A soft answer turns away wrath…” Well, maybe it’s that soft conversation in front of a fire that breaks down our defenses and helps us to open up.


My late husband Raul and I built a fire pit in our backyard at our last 2 homes. They cost less than $100. We thought a fire pit would be fun for the grandchildren to toast marshmallows and roast hot dogs. But it turned out that my husband and I enjoyed it just as much…for different reasons than the grandkids! As the sun went down, we lit the fire, and then my husband asked what the topic of the night should be. Sometimes, we talked about our dreams for ministry. Some nights, we talked about our concerns for our children and we prayed for them. Other nights, we talked about our dream vacation ideas. Try building a fire pit. You may be pleasantly surprised by the emotional intimacy you gain as a result!