This one thing kills relationships!
Author: Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez)
Avoid this crazy cycle in marriage!
In every marriage, there will certainly be times where you find yourself disappointed or frustrated with your husband. The question isn’t…how can you and I avoid those challenging times? The question is…how are we going to respond to the challenge?
I’ve met many wives who allow themselves to sink into self-pity or get all riled up with anger toward their husband. Neither one of those responses is helpful! In fact, a crazy cycle begins in the marriage. The wife lets her husband know how disappointed she is in him…he feels like a failure so he either responds with mean words or withdraws…she gets even more disappointed…and the cycle continues! Please allow me to suggest a couple of new ways to look at those times when your husband has frustrated or disappointed you:
Instead of focusing solely on what he’s doing wrong, choose to rejoice in what he’s doing right. This is the essence of Philippians 4:8 “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” In other words, instead of developing a sour taste in your mouth by dwelling on his every fault, choose to look at your husband as a work in progress. God doesn’t transform a person overnight (including you!). So, choose to relish in the sweetness of every good thing your husband does and every good choice he makes. For your soul, it will be like sipping on sweet lemonade instead of sucking on bitter lemons.
P.S. You’ll look a lot more attractive to your husband when your mouth isn’t puckered up like you’ve been sucking on sour lemons!
P.S.S. If your husband is WAY out of bounds with his behavior and actually sinning against you, you may need to establish some firm boundaries, while at the same time choosing to remind yourself of his good qualities as well!
A top need of your children
If you love your children, one of the MOST important things you can do for them is to keep your marriage healthy and intact! Not to scare you, but the research regarding children from divorced families is alarming. Perhaps this is one reason the Bible says in Malachi 2:16, “For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce“. God knows the devastating impact of divorce on children’s lives.
Research by Focus on the Family has found that teens from divorced homes are much more likely to engage in drug and alcohol use, as well as sexual intercourse than are those from intact families. Also, kids whose parents divorce are substantially more likely to be incarcerated for committing a crime as a juvenile. Plus, research from the Heritage Foundation found that children of divorced parents perform more poorly at school and have higher drop-out rates.
Yes, God can heal a child’s heart following a divorce, but the scars will remain. So, work hard to keep your marriage healthy and strong. Pray every day for your husband and pray daily for marriage guidance from the Lord. See a counselor if you guys are fighting a lot or if you are growing increasingly resentful. Don’t let your heart grow hard. Fight for your marriage. Your kids will thank you!
If husband is struggling with porn
I was asked recently how a woman can help her husband (or boyfriend) if he’s struggling with the temptation to view pornography. This is such a difficult question because, ultimately, he has to be the one who does what is necessary to overcome this temptation.
However, there are 3 things that you can do:
1) Sit down with him and let him know that you want to support him and help him in any way as he wrestles against this temptation. Then gently and lovingly ask him to share with you the things that seem to trigger the desire to view porn. As you show compassion and understanding, he will be more likely to feel safe sharing the things that trigger him. Then once he shares those “triggers”, you can ask what you can do to help him deal with the reasons he’s turning to porn. You may be able to come up with ideas on how he can avoid situations that trigger him.
2) Insist that he actively pursues assistance from a 12-step group, sexual addiction treatment program, or a godly mentor with experience in this area. He needs other people to help hold him accountable and to pray for him. He NEEDS to have other men speak into his life and help him deal with the common temptation to lust and view pornography. Accountability is Biblical. James 5:16 instructs, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”
3) Pray for God to break the stronghold of pornography and lust in his life! You don’t have the power to do that, but God does! So, lift your husband to God in prayer daily. Ask God to sever the addiction to porn. Ask God to place a desire in your husband’s heart to seek the Lord over everything else. Ask God to show your husband the way out of temptation to view porn. God can do these things. Our role is to pray!
Husbands desire “plain-speak”!
This little devotional really addresses and accomplishes two separate things: blessing your man in a way that will also bless you!
Here’s something I’ve come to realize. Wives have a need to feel loved and cherished, but this need is largely misunderstood by the male species! We might have read the book “The 5 love languages” and we may have even told our husbands what our love language is, but alas, he does not seem to be “speaking” that love language. So, we grow more and more disappointed every day.
But here’s the big idea. Maybe we need to clearly and plainly communicate exactly HOW your husband can carry out your particular love language. In other words, tell him plainly! Don’t hint. Don’t just expect him to know. Your love language may very well be a foreign language to him. And even if he has the same love language, he might want it carried out in a different way than what you desire. So, tell him clearly and plainly what you need to feel loved. Tell him clearly and plainly what you need him to do in areas where you have been growing disappointed.
Hebrews 10:24 (amplified) says: and let us consider [thoughtfully] how we may encourage one another to love and to do good deeds. Maybe a way we carry out this instruction in marriage is to clearly communicate exactly how to love and do good deeds for each other. And when it comes to the male species, let’s remember that they are not mind readers. Men appreciate “plain-speak”. Just tell them what you want or need! They will be blessed, and likely, you will be also. 😊
How to create more peaceful home
You know the saying “If mom’s not happy, nobody’s happy”? It’s so true! So if you’ve noticed your kids have been acting up a lot and/or your husband is grouchy, one possible reason is because YOU are not peaceful. Your mood and your stress are contagious.
Ask God to reveal to you what things may be causing a foul mood or extra stress in your life, and then ask Him to show you if there are things you can do to improve the situation. Is there something stressful in your life that you should eliminate? Do you need to ask God to help you forgive someone instead of holding onto bitterness and resentment?
Do whatever it takes to regain a peaceful and gentle spirit. God instructs wives to have such a demeanor in 1 Peter 3:3-4 where He says, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” Let’s become beautiful to our husbands and children by cultivating that gentle and quiet spirit. You may have to make some changes in your schedule, but it will be worth it!
Understanding your guy’s wiring
I know the Declaration of Independence says “all men are created equal”, and it is true that all humans are equally important. However, I have learned that not all men are exactly the same!
In my marriage to my late husband Raul, God had me launch a ministry that focused quite a bit on providing Bible guidance for wives. In the process, I began pressing into my role as my husband’s “helper” as referenced in Genesis 2:18. I realized that in order to be a help and blessing to him, I really needed to figure out what actually made him tick and what he needed from me. After studying him and asking him questions along this line, I discovered that he REALLY needed verbal affirmation from me and he desperately desired my respect. When I helped him by doing those things, he began to flourish even more. He became a better version of himself, and he often told me how much my affirmation and respect meant to him.
Fast forward following my husband’s untimely death, the Lord saw fit to bring a widower into my life and we actually got married in 2023! I, of course, thought that I had my role as a wife and helper all figured out for this new husband. Wrong! I’m learning that the things that my late husband needed and wanted from me are not at all the same as what my new husband desires. They are different men. Duh!
This brought to mind Philippians 2:3-4, which says, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Are you looking to your husband’s interests? Don’t make the same mistake I did, thinking that all husbands basically want the same things from their wife. Each man is a little different. This means we need to be a student of our husbands. Study what makes your husband tick, what lights him up, what seems to be meaningful to him, what actions or words appear to be a blessing to him. Then do those things! Your husband will so appreciate you. 😊
Mrs. Holy Spirit??
There’s a fine line between confronting someone who is sinning against us and confronting someone about their sin in general. As I read the Scriptures, it is pretty clear that we are supposed to confront our husbands or anyone who is sinning directly against us. Jesus gives us this instruction in Matthew 18:15-17 and also in Luke 17:3.
However, sometimes we go too far and start to act like we’re the Holy Spirit! It is not our job as a wife to convict our husbands of each and every one of their sins. God says that’s the Holy Spirit’s job. In John 16:8, Jesus says the Helper (Holy Spirit) “will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment”.
This means it’s not your job to be constantly pointing out your husband’s flaws, reminding him of his imperfections, and chastising him for falling short of God’s perfect standard. A wife is NOT Mrs Holy Spirit! In fact, when we start acting like we are the Holy Spirit, we start to become that quarrelsome wife mentioned throughout Proverbs. She is compared to a constant dripping of a leaky roof. Hmmm.
Create a sense of team in marriage
99% of wives would like to feel more emotional intimacy and connection with their husbands, but often a husband and wife end up drifting apart as the years of marriage pass by. This is especially true when children come on the scene. You get super busy and absorbed with the kids and your husband feels unimportant, unvalued, and un-needed.
However, there is one simple step you can take to begin changing that dynamic. Start asking your husband for his opinion! Ask him his thoughts on the right number of activities for the kids. Ask him his thoughts on how to best arrange the living room furniture. Ask his opinion on what is most important to him in terms of cleaning and tidying the house. (You might be surprised that most men would prefer you focus on keeping the home tidy rather than clean).
By asking your husband for his opinion, you’re communicating that he matters. You’re communicating that he is a needed and valued team member. You’re communicating that he is respected by you! He needs that respect. He’s wired to crave your respect. That’s why God gave a clear instruction to wives in Ephesians 5:33. It simply says “The wife must respect her husband.” So, start respecting your husband by asking his opinion and truly considering his thoughts and desires. You will find that he likes being around you more, and you will develop a powerful sense of “team” in your marriage.
2 qualities husbands find attractive
When men are surveyed about what makes a woman attractive, other than classically beautiful features, a strong majority say….her confidence! So, if you want to be attractive to your husband (or to your boyfriend), work at developing confidence. Work at becoming secure.
I believe you do this by spending time meditating on God’s love for you! He loves you so much he actually adopted you as his beloved child! He is your Papa! Meditate on this Scripture from Galatians 4: “But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship. Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, “Abba, Father.” So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.”
The second quality that is extremely attractive is…humility. Most men run from a woman who is self-righteous and judgmental. A husband is repelled by a wife who conveys that she thinks she’s better than him! However, a husband’s heart is drawn to a wife who is humble, kind and compassionate. The Bible instructs us to be this kind of person! Colossians 3:12 says, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”
P.S Yes, you can carry yourself with confidence, while at the same time displaying humility! This means having self-respect and dignity, but refusing to act like you’re superior to your guy.
The Appreciated Wife 