Author: Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez)

Do this for better relationships!

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I still remember the time about 10 years ago when a woman who had been attending our women’s ministry for years told me, “After all these years to listening to God’s instructions, I finally realized I should actually apply them!”  She started working to apply the Bible’s instructions on relationships and reported back to me that she began seeing amazing results!

This is what I mean when I say “Be a doer in relationships”.  The concept of “doing” comes from James 1:22 where the Bible gives this succinct but powerful instruction:  Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.  Duh!  Reading the Bible or hearing great preaching isn’t meant to just go in one ear and our the other!  God intends for us to apply what He is showing us!  He created human beings, so He knows best what leads to healthy, strong, loving relationships.

I can pretty much guarantee you that if you and I were to actually seek to apply what the Bible instructs us to do in relationships, we would see relationships healed and improved!  One of the most instructive sections of scripture on relationships is found in Colossians 3:12-13 (amplified translation) So, as God’s own chosen people, who are holy [set apart, sanctified for His purpose] and well-beloved [by God Himself], put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience [which has the power to endure whatever injustice or unpleasantness comes, with good temper]; 13 bearing graciously with one another, and willingly forgiving each other if one has a cause for complaint against another; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so should you forgive.

Let’s all seek to actually follow these instructions.  Be a “doer” of God’s instructions, and get ready for some amazing results!

Try this new goal during conflict

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It’s natural during disagreements with your husband to believe you’re right, he’s wrong, and you must convince him of that!  However, if you stay stuck in that mindset, the battle only heats up.  He gets defensive.  You get defensive.  Usually, the situation either evolves into yelling and ugly accusations or a silent, but deadly cold war.  There is a better way, and it begins with rethinking your end goal.

What if your goal was not to “win” the argument or change his mind?  What if the goal was to reach a compromise or solution that addresses the biggest concerns of you both?  Seriously. Think about it. Now you both win and there are no losers.  This means that you both agree to consider the other person’s perspective, fears, values, and concerns.  From there, you begin to present ideas that might address both of your main concerns.  Philippians 2:4 reminds us “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” 

So, the next time you and your husband start to have a significant disagreement, suggest that you would like to sit down together and better understand his perspective and concerns.  Then gently share your concerns, and ask him to join you in brainstorming a solution or compromise that would be the best fit for both of you.

Forgiving relatives who hurt you

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Wounds received by a person in close relationship with you are especially damaging.  Whether it’s your mom, your husband, your sister or your grandpa….when a loved one says something or does something hurtful, the wound cuts exceptionally deep.  After all, you were supposed to be able to trust that relative to love you!  As a result, we’re often stunned when their behavior cuts like a knife instead.

As a believer, we know we’re instructed by God to forgive those who sin against us, but that’s quite a heavy-lift when the person who sinned against us was supposed to be a person we could totally trust.  So, how do we forgive a relative who has sinned against us?  Here are 4 quick insights from the Bible.

  1. It’s essential that you remind yourself that both you and that relative are sinners and you both are in need of mercy and grace!  Sometimes, we conveniently forget that we have also let people down or sinned against people in the past.  Once you remind yourself that you too are a sinner, it’s much easier to forgive that other person, because they kind of resemble you!  Colossians 3:13 says “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
  2. Pray for God to give you a compassionate heart and unconditional love for that relative, because that’s how God treats you and I, even though we are sinners.  Psalm 103:8 “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love.”
  3. Make the decision to release that relative from your desire to punish them or seek revenge for what they did to you.   This is what God instructs in Romans 12:19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 
  4. Because trust has been broken in a close relationship, ask God (and perhaps some godly mentors) whether you should have any boundaries with that relative moving forward.  If staying in close relationship with this person could cause serious physical, emotional, mental or spiritual harm to you, God may want you to keep your distance, at least for a period of time.  Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.

4 ways to bring joy to your home

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I don’t quite remember where I heard this, but it has stuck with me even though I heard it 20 years ago.  Make it your aim to fill your house with so much love and joy that the laughter of your family bounces off the walls!  Wow!  Don’t we all want that?  I know I do.

So how do we get there?  I believe the Bible reveals several keys to bringing joy and laughter into our homes.  First, choose an attitude of hope instead of dwelling on a big, hairy list of all the things that are wrong in your life!  Proverbs 10:28 says “The hope of the righteous brings joy“.    Second, eliminate some things from your schedule if you are becoming grumpy due to exhaustion and stress.  Isaiah 30:15 says “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.”   And third, have a sense of humor!  Be playful. Allow yourself to be goofy sometimes!  Proverbs 17:22 says “A cheerful heart is good medicine“. 

Oh, and one more thing.  Here’s a 4th tip on bringing joy to your home. If you are holding bitterness and resentment against your spouse, deal with that.  If it is the result of something that happened a long time ago, you need to let it go!!  If it’s the result of an ongoing pattern of sin against you, then you will need to respectfully confront your husband.  Ongoing resentment will suck all the laughter and joy out of your home.

5 keys for a great marriage

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One thing I’ve learned over my many years is that a great marriage doesn’t just magically happen.  Being “in love” when you exchange vows on your wedding day isn’t going to be enough.  You must be intentional.  Please allow me to share 5 simple but profound keys to building a strong, lasting, healthy marriage.  Conveniently, God gave me this acrostic to help both you and I remember these 5 keys!  Together, the letters spell G-R-E-A-T, as in a great marriage!

G:  stands for God, as in making sure that God is your number one relationship instead of trying to get your husband to meet all your emotional needs and expecting him to be your source of happiness.  (Matthew 22:36-37)

R: stands for resentment, as in making sure that you address resentment quickly so that it can’t choke the life out of your marriage.  (Hebrews 12:15)

E:  stands for effort, as in being diligent to speak your husband’s love language, pay attention to him, create fun moments with him, do small things he appreciates, and build a vibrant sex life with him!  (Proverbs 13:4)

A: stands for ask God to show you how YOU need to change, grow, and eliminate old unhealthy patterns in your own life such as conflict avoidance or having a critical tongue.  (Colossians 3:5-10)

T:  stands for treasure, as in purposely reminding yourself of the good qualities you can treasure in your husband instead of allowing yourself to dwell on his imperfections.  (Philippians 4:8)

God’s unusual formula for relationships!

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Recently, God has prompted me to consider who is truly on the throne in my life.  Am I really putting God at the center of my focus, or is everything actually about me?  Drat.  I have to be honest and say that when it comes right down to it, I tend to filter everything in my life and my relationships through the question “what will make me happy?”.  How about you?

What if we changed the question?   I am suggesting that we start looking at our husbands, our marriage, our children, our work, and everything through the question “how can I please God at this moment?”  I believe this could radically change our relationships.  In Matthew 6:33 Jesus reminds us to “seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well“.  In other words, we should strive to please God in all we do, and we can trust Him to meet all our needs in return.

The world tries to convince you to focus on you.  The message is “you should focus on what makes you feel happy at the moment and you will be fulfilled.”  Unfortunately, this “formula” almost never works.  The Bible turns that equation upside down.  God tells us to focus on pleasing Him even when it doesn’t seem like you will be happy, and then you will indeed find true fulfillment and joy. 

What if you were to ask the Lord to show you how HE wants you to treat your husband this week and how HE wants you to handle difficult situations with your husband?  I wonder how your marriage would change?  Shall we try God’s upside-down formula this week? 

How to avoid frustration with hubby

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Even if you have a great marriage, we will all experience moments of frustration with our husbands from time to time.  Well, one key to resolving those frustrations (and avoiding them in the future) is to understand the cause.  In my experience, the cause is typically “unmet expectations”.   We consciously or even subconsciously expect our husbands to act in a certain way, and when they don’t, we get really frustrated!

So, here’s a nugget of wisdom that may be the remedy.  Clearly communicate your expectations and desires to your husband!  Duh!  I know this sounds too simple, but honestly, we are often at fault for holding expectations but failing to clearly reveal those expectations to our men.    We act like husbands are mind-readers and should “just know”.  News flash:  Most men don’t “just know”.  They don’t think like women, and they don’t know what you expect and desire from them.  In fact, when we fail to communicate what we want, we’re not really being honest with them. 

Maybe it’s time to bless your husband by being honest about your expectations and desires.  Proverbs 24:26 says “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips“!!  Start to clearly communicate your expectations to your man.  Now, your husband may disagree with your expectations, and that’s okay.  That’s an opportunity for the two of you to sit down and discuss your respective opinions and work toward a compromise.  But at least you’ll be on the same page and understand each other’s expectations!

Key step before making big decisions

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I was reading the creation story the other day and was struck once again at how easily Satan deceived Eve.  Genesis 3:1-6   Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”  The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,  but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”   “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman.  “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”   When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it.

What struck me in this account is that the cunning serpent (the devil) was wise enough to whisper enticing words of deception to Eve when she was all alone.  Adam wasn’t on the scene.  Why was the devil so effective?  It would appear that part of the reason for his success in tempting Eve to make a horribly wrong decision is because she was not with Adam.   She consulted no one about the temptation she had received.  She consulted no one during her deliberation as to whether to actually eat from the forbidden tree of good and evil.  She consulted no one before making a huge, life-changing decision.  It seemed beneficial to her.  So, she just did it!

We can learn from Eve’s mistake.  If you’re considering a major decision in life (quitting your job, leveraging all your savings on a new money-making idea, separating from your husband, bailing your teen out of natural consequences of bad decisions, etc), pause before acting!  Consult a godly mentor.  Better yet, pray with several wise and godly people in your life.  Ask them all to seek guidance from the Bible and the Holy Spirit.  You will often spare yourself unnecessary pain in the long run!

How affirmation changes husband

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Did you know a huge majority of men struggle with feeling inadequate on almost every level?  It’s true.  Since God designed men to be leaders in revealing the nature of God, it’s to be expected that Satan would try to destroy that mission by making men feel like they’re not up to that challenge!  Satan is constantly whispering to your man that he is a failure, that he’s not good enough, that he’s not smart enough, and that he doesn’t have what it takes to be a godly leader, husband, father or provider.  These are all lies!  Jesus tells us in John 8:44 that Satan is “the father of lies“.

Unfortunately, when a husband starts believing these lies, he often decides to either give up trying to be a good husband or he may numb out by using pornography or alcohol, or by becoming a workaholic.

However, a man’s wife has the ability to counteract the voice of Satan!  Ladies, why don’t you start telling your husband that you believe in him?  Tell him that he CAN do it.  Let him know that you see good qualities in him.  Remind him about his unique talents and spiritual gifts. Show him the respect that God commands wives to display in Ephesians 5:33.  As you affirm him and esteem him, you may likely find that your man becomes more confident and becomes an even better man than he is now.

Don’t fall for this female temptation!

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It may give you a little thrill, but it leads downhill!  The thrill I’m talking about is that little rush women get when we draw the attention of a man. It feels SO good!  This is all completely fine as long as the man is your husband, but often we go out in public dressed in such a way that other men are tempted to lust over our bodies. 

When we wear skin-tight clothes, cleavage-displaying shirts, extremely short skirts or midriff-baring tops, we are leading other men downhill.  The attention might feel good, but do you really want to lead these men into the sin of lust?  In Luke 17:1 Jesus said to his disciples: “Things that cause people to stumble are bound to come, but woe to anyone through whom they come.”  Also, 1 Corinthians 10:32 says “Do not cause anyone to stumble“.

Let’s pledge to dress modestly instead of provocatively around our male co-workers, men at the store, and men at church.  Let’s not be the downfall of the men around us.  Think of it this way.  Would you like it if another woman was dressing provocatively in front of your husband?