Author: Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez)

Suffering from approval exhaustion?

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In a recent prayer time, God gently confronted me. He asked me this simple question. Are you going to be a slave to your to-do-list today, or are you going to focus on bringing me glory? Here is another way of posing the question for both you and me: Are you working tirelessly to bring yourself glory as the “perfect wife’, “perfect mother”, perfect Christian, etc, or are you releasing your day to God and asking him to show you what to do and what NOT to do in order to bring HIM glory?

Oh man! Busted. To be honest, I tend to drive myself to always do more and do it better, because I want to look good in other people’s eyes. I become exhausted and stressed in the process. The good news is that God didn’t design us to be people-pleasers. Yes, we are to love people, but our focus shouldn’t be on doing whatever they want. Our focus also shouldn’t be trying to look good in people’s eyes. The Bible reminds us in Galatians 1:10 “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God?”

I am confident that if you and I were both to release our days to God and ask Him to guide us, we would find much more peace! We would be free of performance-exhaustion. We would find freedom from approval exhaustion. Instead, we would be free to follow God’s promptings, which will lead to greater joy and peace than we’ve ever known. In fact, if you listen for God’s voice, he might even tell you to take a nap or relax while listening to praise music! God’s Word promises that those who seek to follow Him (instead of following their own agenda) will enter peace! (Isaiah 57:2 says, “For the righteous man is taken away from calamity; he enters into peace.” And Isaiah 26:3 reminds us, “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.”

Simple path to emotional intimacy

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I wish I had known about the blessings of a fire pit a long time ago! I had no idea that a fire pit could pave the way to more intimate, deep conversations than we routinely have in marriage. But I’ve discovered it’s true! There’s something bonding and safe about sharing your deepest thoughts, feelings and dreams in the flickering light coming from your backyard fire pit. Maybe it’s because it’s quiet and peaceful at night and, when sitting in front of the fire, we tend to talk in soft voices. Proverbs 15:1 says “A soft answer turns away wrath…” Well, maybe it’s that soft conversation in front of a fire that breaks down our defenses and helps us to open up.


My late husband Raul and I built a fire pit in our backyard at our last 2 homes. They cost less than $100. We thought a fire pit would be fun for the grandchildren to toast marshmallows and roast hot dogs. But it turned out that my husband and I enjoyed it just as much…for different reasons than the grandkids! As the sun went down, we lit the fire, and then my husband asked what the topic of the night should be. Sometimes, we talked about our dreams for ministry. Some nights, we talked about our concerns for our children and we prayed for them. Other nights, we talked about our dream vacation ideas. Try building a fire pit. You may be pleasantly surprised by the emotional intimacy you gain as a result!

The decision that saves marriages

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I was just reflecting on all the couples I’ve known over the years who faced huge challenges in their marriages, but ended up pushing through the pain and obstacles to overcome and even thrive in their marriages. Yes, some wives saw their marriage end in divorce, but many wives decided to persevere in their marriage, and they are now enjoying the fruit of that perseverance!


Here’s the truth. We will all face times of challenge in our marriages, and during those times, it’s so tempting to throw in the towel. How many of us have thought at one point in our marriage, “I never should have married him.”? Thoughts of ending the marriage can be especially enticing if you’re facing a heartbreaking challenge like a husband engaging in adultery, a harmful addiction, or even abuse.
However, I have seen many wives press through these challenges and come out victorious on the other side with a more mature husband and a much better marriage! Sometimes, it comes down to us making the simple and yet powerful decision to persevere, to endure, to push through the difficulty as you trust in God to work in your husband’s life.


Consider Paul’s message to the church in Colossians 1:9-11, “We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience.“


Is it possible God is asking you to persevere through the trial in your marriage? If he is, what should you do as you wait? Seek guidance from God’s Word, meet with a Christian counselor, and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance. Sometimes, you may sense that you are to establish serious boundaries with your husband, which might even entail temporary separation. Other times, God might ask you to lovingly encourage your husband and speak truth to him in areas where he has been believing lies of the enemy. Paul also gives us some concise advice in Romans 12:12 “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”

Battling hopelessness or melancholy

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When we are going through a difficult season in our marriage, or faced with any challenging situation, we tend to feel so alone in our distress. We tend to feel a sort of melancholy sweep over us, which leads to a feeling of emptiness or hopelessness. It feels like no one really understands. It feels like no one really cares. However, I’ve come to realize that those “feelings” are not correct! It’s also dawned on me that the enemy of our souls is busy whispering lies to us to try to get us to align ourselves with the feeling of despair, hopelessness, and emptiness. He throws fuel on the fire by whispering “you’re all alone” and “no one understands”, and “your situation will never change”, and “no one really cares”.


We must catch ourselves when we sense hopelessness or melancholy starting to invade. At that very moment, we need to refuse to align with the lies of the enemy. Instead, we must begin actively coaching ourselves with truth from God’s Word! Mediate on these 6 powerful bits of Scripture when you’re feeling alone and battling with hopelessness, emptiness or melancholy:


Psalm 73:23-24 Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
Psalm 40:1-2 I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
Hebrews 13:5 God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”
Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Psalm 34:17-18 The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

** or view this topic as a 3 minute VIDEO BELOW

Your “spouse-talk” is powerful!

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We’ve all heard of self-talk, but allow me to introduce a different kind of internal narrative that can be just as negative as your self-talk. It is the internal talk about your spouse!


The things you say, whether out loud or in your head, greatly influence the way you feel and act. In fact, Proverbs 18:21 says “the tongue has the power of life and death“. In other words, when your inner spouse-talk is constantly pointing out your husband’s flaws or rehearsing the past ways he’s let you down…your words reinforce a negative attitude and behavior toward your husband. If not corrected, this negative attitude and behavior on your part can eventually lead to prolonged bitterness, depression, and even the death of your marriage.


Ladies, we must do what the Bible says in 2 Corinthians 10:5…”take every thought captive“. Start noticing the things you are saying in your head about your husband. If a negative thought enters your mind, don’t give it room! Instead, look for something positive to say about your husband. He DOES have some positive qualities. Make sure you spend time engaging in positive inner spouse-talk more than the negative kind!

Signs he has an online problem

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In case you weren’t yet aware, pornography is a gigantic cancer that is rapidly destroying marriages and entire families. Hundreds of millions of men regularly view pornography (and many women too), and even among Christian men, the problem is rampant. Goodness, even a majority of pastors admit to struggling with temptations to view porn. Back in 2001, a survey found that 54% of pastors had viewed pornography in the past year. I’m sure the numbers are much higher these days.

Why is pornography such a big deal? Well, marriage counselors will tell you, and I will tell you from counseling many women in crisis in their marriages, that pornography usage almost always escalates into something truly horrific. When a man starts viewing pornography, he almost always progresses to more and more perverse pornography as he chases that “buzz” from viewing something sexually arousing. Unfortunately, in many cases, the man can no longer get his “fix” from pornography and ends up committing sexual acts outside of marriage. In either case, the marriage is often destroyed and families are torn apart.

What are some signs of a possible porn problem for your husband? Some common signs include no longer being interested in sex with you, coming to bed after you or exiting the bedroom in the middle of the night, and requesting increasingly perverse or odd sex acts from you. If you notice some of these signs, it may be time to have a serious talk with your husband. However, don’t approach him as an enemy. Approach him in love, as his helper. Remember, in Genesis 2:18, God says “It is not good for man to be alone; I will make a helper suitable for him.” Approach your husband kindly, but firmly, and let him know you want to help him tackle this problem that could harm both him and your family. Insist that he seek serious, long-term help and accountability.

Dealing with your husband’s flaws

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You may be a wife (like I have been in the past) who is stunned when her husband does or says something that isn’t exactly kind and loving. To be honest, at some subconscious level, I guess I expected my husband to always make me happy and do the right thing. In short, I rather expected him to be like Jesus. I mean, after all, he is a Christian, for heaven’s sake!


Hmmm. On the other hand, the Bible makes it clear that no human being is perfect. Psalm 14:3 says, “there is no one who does good, not even one”. So, perhaps it’s time for you to take your husband off the hook. I’m not saying that you should give him a free pass on blatant, destructive sin. Jesus makes it clear we should confront someone who is truly sinning against us. You can read his instructions about that in Matthew 18:15-17.


However, I do believe it’s time for Christian wives to start being gracious to their husbands in terms of looking beyond their minor faults and annoying quirks. Does he sometimes drive more aggressively than you would like? Maybe you can be gracious about that (while praying for safety!). Does he fall short in the romance department? You can be gracious about that too. Does he sometimes snap at you when he’s stressed. That makes him human! Remember he is a flawed person, just like you! We’re all a work in progress…in the master’s hands.

Forgiveness and boundaries

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For anyone who has read the Bible’s New Testament, it’s hard to escape God’s frequent instruction for us to forgive others who have wounded or offended us in some way. A prime example is Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Yet, many women struggle with what forgiveness actually looks like if the person who hurt you continues to pose emotional, mental, or physical danger.


Please allow me to share what I’ve learned after spending time studying the Bible and also helping numerous women grapple with forgiveness. Here’s the big takeaway. You can and must forgive the other person in terms of letting justice rest in God’s hands and choosing to avoid the temptation to hope (or make) them suffer for what they did. However, forgiveness does not necessarily mean you need to be in a close relationship with that person or leave your heart wide open for further damage.


God gives a really pivotal instruction in Proverbs 4:23 where He says, “Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life”. That’s where boundaries come in. If the person who deeply hurt you is still posing a significant danger to your emotional, mental or physical health, it’s appropriate to guard yourself by establishing a boundary in the relationship. This might mean a season of separation from that other person. This might mean keeping yourself distant until you see signs that this person may no longer be a danger to you, or that you have undergone sufficient healing from the Lord so that you are now strong enough to be around this other person.


Yes, we must forgive, but we must also be wise in terms of guarding ourselves from further harm.

** or view this topic as a 2 minute VIDEO BELOW

What prayer can do for husband

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Do you have a continuing issue with your husband? Does he lack a certain desirable character quality? Prayer can make all the difference!


I have seen persistent prayer accomplish what I could not do on my own. I don’t have any ability to change anyone’s heart, including a husband’s heart. I can set boundaries on certain behavior, but I can’t change a person’s heart. Only God can do that, and praise the Lord, he DOES do that! In Ezekiel 36, God says “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you…” Awesome!


If you’re wondering where to start in terms of praying for a change in your husband’s heart, I would suggest inserting your husband’s name in 2 specific Bible verses as you pray. I prayed these 2 verses for years on behalf of my late husband Raul, and I witnessed God slowly molding and shaping my husband’s heart. Here are the verses, with your husband’s name inserted. Psalm 51:10 “Create in ____________ a clean heart and renew a right spirit within ________________.” Psalm 103:8 Mold ________________ to be like you, “compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love“.

Physical intimacy for the tired wife

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For many women, especially moms of young children, making love to their husbands seems like yet one more thing on their to-do-list! For an exhausted wife and mother, the idea of carving out time to be physically intimate with her husband sounds about as thrilling as running 15 miles on the treadmill at the gym at 5 o’clock in the morning!

But here’s the thing. We know that most men have an extremely high sex drive. It isn’t their fault. God made them that way. 🙂 So, one of the kindest and most loving things we can do for our husbands is to meet their sexual needs. We need to strive to build a robust sex life with our husbands, and more than likely, you’ll enjoy it too! To be honest, if we don’t have a vibrant sex life within our marriage, we’re setting up each other to subconsciously look for that excitement with someone else. That’s why Paul instructs us in 1 Corinthians 7:5 “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”

The question is: How does the exhausted wife (and mother) build a robust sex life that both she and her husband enjoy? Well, I believe she takes a really good look at her schedule of activities and responsibilities to see if there are any things she can cut out. I bet there are some things she could reduce or cut completely! Secondly, she asks her husband for help! Can he put the kids to bed so that she has time to wind down and start thinking about enjoying physical intimacy with her husband? Can he do the dishes after dinner or help the kids with their homework so that she can decompress and maybe take a bubble bath before she and her husband head to bed?

Ask your husband if he would be willing to help with some tasks in the evenings so that you are more able to build a robust sex life with him. I bet it is a trade he is willing to make!