Author: Squadron of Sisters (Debbie Chavez)

The key moment during conflict

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I hear quite a few stories of women, both married and unmarried, who tell me how arguments get heated in their relationships.  Their husband says something critical, and they dish it right back at him.  Their boyfriend says something unkind, and they lash right back at him.  In both cases, arguments quickly evolve into a really ugly war because neither one paused before responding.  Pausing is one of the most important moments in any relationship!  It is the KEY moment!

The Bible says in Proverbs 12:18  “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”   It is SO important to pause instead of reacting with reckless words!  So the next time you feel your temper about to erupt, pause for 5 or 10 seconds.  Ask God to show you in that moment how He wants you to respond. Ask the Holy Spirit to show you what will likely happen if you say what you feel like saying in this tense moment!  (Usually, the Holy Spirit will show me that those words I was about to say will cause some serious damage in the relationship!)  You may even need to leave the room during this pause. 

By the way, if you’re texting back and forth with your guy, you may need to put down your cell phone and pray before you text back!!  Remember, once those words have been voiced in person or typed in on your text, you can’t take them back.  “Pausing” is one of your best friends in any relationship!

Better marriage by changing focus

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I’ve noticed an interesting pattern over my years of marriage, to both my late husband Raul and my current husband Mark.  It is extremely easy to focus on their faults and the things they do (or don’t do) that disappoint me.  It’s so very easy to dwell on the negative!  But, when I allow myself to do that, I start spiraling down into a cesspool of hopeless, gloomy thoughts.  I start feeling self-pity for my awful marriage.  I start to resent my husband and how he’s letting me down.  I start to think “I should have never married this man.  I would be better off without him.”  Sound familiar to anyone else?!

However, I have learned that I can quickly reverse this negative pattern and actually be grateful for my husband when I do something so very simple; something we are instructed to do in God’s Word.   Philippians 4:8 says “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

You can greatly improve the way you view your husband and your marriage by disciplining yourself to do Philippians 4:8.    When I catch myself listing all my husband’s faults, I have learned to immediately discipline myself to start listing any and all good qualities I can think of.  I know some of you are pushing back on this, saying “my husband doesn’t have any good qualities”.  That’s not true!!  Does he attend church with you?  Does he not drive home drunk from the bar each night?   Does he have a job and try to provide for your family?  Does he have a sense of humor?  Is he handsome?  Does he love your children and spend some time with them?  Does he take care of projects around the house?  There are ALWAYS qualities we can be thankful for if we truly look for them.  And once we start mentally listing our husband’s good qualities, our attitude changes in a very healthy way!

Don’t tell marriage woes to family!

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I’ve learned something pivotal over my many years of helping women navigate marriage problems.  In general, don’t share your husband’s faults and failures with your family of origin!  The reason is simple.  Your parents, siblings and grandparents not only love you, but are often overly-protective when it comes to you.   They can’t stand the thought of anyone wounding a member of their family.  Now don’t get me wrong.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  However, their allegiance to you can often turn into the vilification of your husband!

Allow me to explain.  Once a wife openly shares the faults, failures or sins of her husband with her relatives, he may be forever stained in their eyes.  Many parents and siblings will begin treating the husband as the enemy.  Sometimes, those relatives develop deep resentment toward the husband.  Once those strong feelings have developed, it’s often hard to turn that ship around, even if the husband has repented of wrong-doing!  He will always have a black mark next to his name.

This is what I would suggest doing.  You definitely SHOULD seek advice and wise counsel as you’re working through difficult seasons in your marriage, but, in general, avoid confiding in your relatives.  If you sense that your relatives are quick to forgive and refuse to hold onto resentment, perhaps you can safely confide in them.  Otherwise, seek counsel elsewhere, such as a women’s ministry leader, Christian counselor, or wise older Christian woman in your life.  You need the kind of wisdom described in James 3:17-18 But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

What wives must know about FB!

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It’s happened yet again. Another wife almost blew up her marriage, and it all started with Facebook.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not against Facebook.  I love keeping in touch with what’s happening in the lives of my friends and family through Facebook posts.  However, the devil takes warped delight in taking something good and turning it into something disastrous.

We need to be wise to his schemes to kill our marriages!  Here’s what the scheme looks like:  You become curious about that old boyfriend or man from your past, so you look him up on Facebook.  It seems totally innocent.  You’re just curious.  Then you pop him a little message asking how he’s doing.  He responds.  You guys reminisce about shared experiences in the past.  You begin bonding emotionally.  Then ever so slowly and slyly, Satan starts to reel you in.  Soon, you begin believing that he’s your true soul mate, and an affair is just a step away!  This is happening every day across America!  One recent post on a divorce website noted that 20% of all divorce petitions contain the word “Facebook”.  

Don’t let this happen to you.  As wives, we must be aware of Satan’s schemes and we must fight against the temptation to connect with any man on Facebook.  1 Peter 5:8-9 says, “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.  Resist him, firm in your faith…”    Please don’t shake off this warning.   Fight against the urge to connect with men from your past on Facebook or any social media!

Don’t cooperate with the devil!

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Your enemy has plans to blow-up your marriage.  The Bible says in John 10:10 that Satan is out to “steal, kill, and destroy“, so make no mistake.  The devil is working diligently to take down both you and your husband.  He may relentlessly tempt your husband to view pornography, and your husband may cave into the temptation.  Your heart will definitely be bruised if your husband falls into that trap.  But Satan wants more than that.  The enemy will relentlessly tempt you to treat your husband with scorn and disgust so that your marriage implodes.

This is where you have a choice.  You can cooperate with the devil and give in to his temptations.  You can allow him to have the victory.  You can align yourself with his evil plans and watch your marriage get flushed down the toilet.  Or you can refuse to cooperate with the devil.  Even when your husband does something that seriously disappoints you, you can tell your husband that you are still “for him”…that you believe he has a good heart…that you are not giving up on him.

I remember the time several years ago that a friend of mine found out that her husband had slipped up and viewed porn after over a year of being free from pornography.  Of course, she was devastated, but she chose wisely in that moment.  She chose to speak words of life to her husband.  I’d love to share the text she sent me shortly after his confession:  “So thankful he was honest.  Still hurts.  But the enemy will not win!  My marriage is worth fighting for”.  What a fantastic attitude!  She refused to cooperate with the devil.  How about you?

Tell husband what you need!

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I don’t know why it took me so long to figure this out!  Men aren’t wired like women.  Men don’t think like women. Thus, men don’t instinctively know how to make a woman feel loved or how to comfort her when she’s distressed.  I guess my brain sort of knew this was true, but nonetheless, I expected my husband to read my mind and “just know” what to do!

Here’s what I’m suggesting.  What if we decided to do our husbands a favor, and instead of expecting them to be mind-readers, we actually clearly and concisely told them what we need?!  Proverbs 24:26 says “An honest answer is a like a kiss on the lips”.  Indeed, your husband will be so thankful and blessed when you’re actually truthful and straightforward by clearly explaining what you need.  I’ve put this into practice in my marriage, and what a difference it makes!  Sometimes I have to remind him (sometimes several times!), but I can tell that he is actually relieved to know how to please his wife instead of trying to figure out the mystery of the woman’s mind (and her needs) all by himself!

Dealing with strong-willed husband

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Wouldn’t it be wonderful if all husbands were gentle with their wives, always asked for their wife’s input, and took great care to meet the needs and desires of their wife?  Yep, that would be great, but unfortunately, both husbands and wives are still in the process of being sanctified (made holy) and we all have a way to go before we reach perfection!  Your husband won’t be perfect.  YOU aren’t perfect. 

That being said, a wife doesn’t need to settle for a husband who continues to run rough-shod over her, ignoring her needs and desires, dismissing her input and suggestions, and doing whatever he wants with little regard to how his decisions and behavior affects her!  In fact, 1 Peter 3:7 says… Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.   And Ephesians 5:25 says Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

Clearly, God is calling husbands to self-sacrifice for their wives; to treat their wives with respect and consideration; to value their wives.  So, what does this mean for you if your husband is very controlling, strong-willed and ignoring your needs or input?  I believe it’s totally appropriate to pray for the right timing and the right words to respectfully ask him to consider your needs, desires, opinions and input on matters that affect your relationship and your family.  If he agrees, great.  If he doesn’t make any changes, then its likely time to ask him to go to a marriage counselor with you.  If you don’t address your lop-sided relationship, you will likely find your heart slowly withering and becoming colder and harder toward your husband.  Don’t wait until that happens to act!  Act now.

One person can change a marriage

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Each weekday, I offer a devotional intended to help wives. Yet, I have a funny feeling that some of you might be questioning why I’m always urging wives to change their behavior, look for ways to bless their husbands, and be more selfless in their marriage.  I can almost hear you asking, “What about him? Am I the only one who’s supposed to work on this marriage?”

Well, here’s a news flash for all of us.  We can’t change our husbands!  Only God can change a man’s heart.  We can establish boundaries.  We can encourage our men and offer wise counsel to them.  We can pray for God to transform them, but at the end of the day, we can’t control them.  We can only control us!  However, by changing the way we interact with our men, we can dramatically and positively impact them.  It’s the amazing power of one person to make a difference!

So, let’s all commit to working on ourselves.  Let’s look for ways to encourage our men, help our men, respect our men, and serve our men.  If your husband is engaged in a pattern of sin against you or your kids, pray every single day for God to break him free!  Commit to respectfully and lovingly setting boundaries on that behavior.  As you continue doing this week after week and month after month, I bet you’ll see a change in your husband and an improvement in your relationship. 

Don’t give up. Don’t be pessimistic.  Press on.  Meditate on this wonderful promise found in Galatians 6:9 “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.”

Pray before making love

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Many of us come into marriage with broken sexuality. You may have been sexually abused as a child.  You may have slept with some prior boyfriends.  Your husband may have been sexually molested as a child or slept around before making a commitment to you.  All of that stuff from the past can cause us to be somewhat broken or scared when it comes to our sexuality.

However, God is in the business of redeeming and restoring!    If you or your husband are haunted by the memories of former lovers or pornographic images, confess that to each other, and, prior to making love, pray together for Jesus to heal you.  Jesus can and will heal your broken sexuality.  James 5:16 says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”

If you or your husband are sexually scarred due to past sexual abuse, pray together before making love and ask Jesus to heal you sexually.  Ask him to restore your innocence.  Ask him to allow you to totally delight in physical intimacy with your spouse.  Jesus is the great healer.  Claim Isaiah 53:5 “by his wounds, we are healed“

And one additional benefit of praying together before making love is that it is one of the most intimate things you can do!  Beautiful spiritual and emotional intimacy occurs when you open your heart before your spouse and pray for God to enter into broken places.

Let husband be your hero!

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Did you know most men really like to be needed?  I know.  Sometimes it doesn’t seem like it.  Sometimes, it seems like it’s hard to get them to follow through on a task you asked them to handle.  But you know what?  Sometimes we pick inopportune times to ask.  Often we don’t have their full attention, or we mention the task along with five other things we discussed.  Remember, men don’t think the same way women do!  They usually focus on only one thing at a time.

Anyway, back to the “being needed” thing. 🙂 Surveys show most men really do want to be your hero. I believe it’s a way they feel respected, and we know that respect is so important for a man that God actually commands wives to respect their husbands in Ephesians 5:33!  

This means our men want to lift a box that is kind of heavy for us.  They want to fix the leaky faucet and impress you with their “fix-it” skills.   They want to figure out a solution to your overloaded schedule problem.  They want to be our heroes.  The problem is this.  We often try to tackle everything ourselves….or when we do ask them to help with something, we either ask at a bad time, or we throw in the request amid a whole bunch of other “talk”. 

Let’s try this week to ask for our husband’s help with something…at a convenient time, very clearly, and simply.  Then let’s show appreciation when he follows through.  I bet he will love being your hero.